10 Former Prisoners Shared The Funniest, AKA Weirdest, Things They Saw While Locked Up

A couple of weeks ago we shared some of the scariest, creepiest things that prisoners had seen while incarcerated and whoa, that was certainly some nightmare fuel.

Now today we take a look at the funnier side of spending a little time in the graybar hotel thanks to Redditor ASAPJeep who asked, “Redditors who have been to prison; what was the funniest thing you witnessed?

Little did we know that spending time in the slammer could be so entertaining…

When I was in the joint, we saw the movie “Iron Monkey” on movie night. You know what happens when you watch a Kung Fu movie with your friends… You all try to be Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan, and you fuck with each other. Guess what? The same thing happens in prison.

But you’re not with your friends. You’re locked in a concrete box with 300+ convicts. None of whom are your friends. All of whom are bored as fuck, and not real happy to be where they are. But I digress…

Anyways, this Asian guy I knew (he was Hmong if I remember this right) named Tran is watching the TV from the second tier, and he gets pissed off about everyone fucking around… So he snaps.

Next thing I know, he’s rapid-fire punching and kicking at the air, and screaming at the top of his lungs, “*YIYIYIYIYIAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IRON MONKEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!” And he’s not being shy about it. Not even a little bit. He’s drawing attention. This is kind of a bad idea when you’re in an environment where anonymity is a survival strategy. The C/O’s notice him. They start to converge.

Tran’s dorm is at the end of the second tier which means it’s right next to a staircase to the ground floor. From the mouth of his dorm’s entryway, there’s a concrete walkway with a steel guardrail which travels along the inside wall leading from dorm to dorm, all the way to the other side of the building. There’s 3 more staircases leading down as well.

So finally the C/O’s arrive, and Tran is still flipping his shit. Everyone is watching, wondering what’s going to happen next. It’s dead silence on this side of the building. One of the C/O’s, a guy with a real Napoleon complex, tries to reach out and grab him. That’s when it happens. Tran rapid-fire slaps the shit out of him like he’s just declared, “Pistols at 20 places, bitch!” Backhand, forehand, backhand, forehand, backhand, forehand. It’s like something out of a Tex Avery cartoon.

The guard screams the most high-pitched shriek I’ve ever heard. He falls back, reaching out for his partner, and in the process, lands flat on his ass. With his partner falling on top of him. It’s straight out of a Charlie Chaplin or Buster Keaton silent film.

Tran takes off running down the tier walkway, still screaming at the top of his lungs, but at this point, he’s fucked. The C/O’s have him surrounded. But they’re keeping their distance. Why, I don’t know. Maybe they wanted to wait for Control to send the Goon Squad. But Tran’s at the middle point of the tier, directly in front of the door to the yard, albeit about 60+ feet away and locked, when a bona fide miracle happens. The door opens band a speaker crackles, “Yard time.”

But alas, victory was not to be had by Tran that easily. He was between 2 staircases, both blocked by guards. Then it seemed that inspiration struck him. He jumped, screaming “IRON MONKEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY” and landed on the concrete floor below…

…breaking his leg in 2 places. No, Victory did not smile upon him that day. But watching that C/O go down and Tran’s attempt at being a real-life version of a Mortal Kombat character were fucking hilarious. ~ sharkiness

Beyond Scared Straight filmed the premiere episode at the prison I worked at. Durring the first encounter with screaming inmates, a troubled teen was sent into the open air shitter and told to sit down. She was then told to look around. “Notice anything missing?” Green Eyes asked. “No toilet paper” replied the teen. “THATS RIGHT! THERE’S NO TOILET PAPER IN PRISON BITCH!” I was laughing my ass off. They didnt use it in the show but if you want a visual of Green Eyes watch the Valley State Prison for Women episode of Beyond Scared Straight. ~ FRETLESS06

There was a new guy that came in and pretty much never left his bunk for anything other than meals and bathroom/shower. He just laid there and read, sometimes did crossword puzzles or whatever.

There was another guy there that went by the name “Wolf” who was basically the self appointed HNIC of the block (he wasn’t black though).

One day during lunch Wolf speculated that quiet guy was in there for some sort of sexual assault so he began harassing him, asking him what he was in for, demanding to see his papers (legal docs with charges/convictions listed). Quiet guy ignored him for several hours, like literally at though Wolf wasn’t there. I was impressed, Wolf was a kind of intimidating guy and definitely loud.

Anyway, later that day while continuing his harassment Wolf was eating an orange and decided to throw his peels and quiet guy. Quite guy kept laying there silently and ignoring him as usual for a few minutes. Then he slowly put his book down, set up, stretched a little bit and then stood up. Nothing looked at all anything but ordinary about it, he could have literally been getting up just to go downstairs and take a piss. He begins walking towards the stairs, abruptly veers to the right and grabs Wolf’s shirt. He pushed him back up against the tier railing and leaned his weight onto him, said something inaudible. Wolf looked pretty scared and quiet guy let him go. Quiet guy backed up a few feet and then put his hand out for Wolf to shake it, Wolf looked at him with hesitation but then shook his hand meekly. Quiet guy went back to reading his book and wolf refused to talk about it to anybody but got considerably less cocky all around. A couple days later quiet guy got transferred to a different cell block, never found out what he was actually in for. ~ Reality_Facade

Believe it or not I was stopped for speeding and was detained, and eventually jailed, for not having paid a parking ticket for 1 year. I had no money on me, no one to call to pay the ticket and I guess the judge was a hard ass. But that was the least of my issues because I was in jail for 3 days before even seeing the judge. I was arrested on a Friday, there was some big drug corner sting operation in this shit town, and I was the only white guy in the entire old school bars-on-cells jail house.

My cell, designed for maybe 5 people, had at least 14. A bench, a toilet, three walls of concrete. I didn’t sleep the entire 3 days. Coffee and ham sandwiches for each meal, but I didn’t eat.

Monday evening comes and I’m in front of the judge, I explain the whole thing, he tells me I’m going to jail at the rate of $12 a day until the ticket is paid… this ticket is more than $1000 dollars at this point, and I didn’t pay it because my mail was withheld. Life, huh? This judge wanted to look tough in front of the scores of drug dealers he was remanding to county custody so I got swept up in it, that’s my theory.

So I go to county to serve my time, too proud to ask for money from anyone. First proper sleep in 3 days. First time in jail, still. I wake up to my celly telling me I have to get on chow line or I’ll get in trouble. Fuck, food? Sounds great to me! Jail food didn’t scare me: I was in the Army. Stomach grumbling I blearily stumble out of my cell, barely alive. I take a tray and walk up to the guy handing out the food and he tells me I have to go to the chow line.

I’m confused. I take my food from his hands and put it on my tray and walk to a table. I turn look up and realize all the guards and prisoners are staring at me like they can’t believe it. Some of them with wide eyes and mouths agape. But none will meet my gaze. When I look at them they look away sheepishly. The guards snigger and everyone goes on about getting their breakfast. And that’s when I realized that there was a line for food and I cut it.

Everyone avoided me like I was the toughest guy there or something when in reality the only law I ever intentionally broke in my life was the prohibition against marijuana and driving 70 in a 55. ~ DeucesCracked

I did one year at a Federal Medical Center (see post history for details). It was easy time, and as a FMC, we tended to have those who didn’t fit in at other places.

The oddest person there was nicknamed “Battery Man”. As far as I know, he was excused from work detail and spent his time circulating the dorm with a AA battery that he would hold up against the wall, breathe in deeply with his eyes closed, and hum. He believed he was cleansing the building of evil. I never found out what he did with the batteries – was it the same one for the whole year? Did they fill up or something? ~ mythrowawaymine

When the fermenting alcohol stashed behind the fridge exploded and the whole wing reeked of oranges. Miraculously, we didn’t get caught.

First, you’ll need to wash the container for some cleaning supplies very carefully, you’ve got that at your disposal because the prisoners mop their own cell blocks.

You’re gonna fill that fucker up with oranges and bread and sugar, seal it up tight and let it ferment. You’re gonna have to open it up now and then to let off some pressure, because it will swell up, maybe toss some more bread and sugar in, and play the waiting game. You also need to constantly change the hiding place, because the screws like to do random checks of some random cell now and then, especially when someone fucks up. Unless it’s a major clusterfuck and they’re looking for contraband, they generally won’t search the whole wing itself.

You get some orange wine stuff, prison pruno, with a high alcohol content. Does the job.

Well, someone forgot to let out some pressure and it had been behind the fridge in the common area all night, so the fucker popped. Everybody immediately started cleaning, dumping cleaning chemicals everywhere to try and cover the smell. Lucky us, we got it taken care of during cleanup time and before they showed up for the morning check after breakfast. ~ stephen_1975

We were all out in the common area playin spades when this old black man comes out of his cell on the second tier with two bed sheets tied together around and one end wrapped around his neck.

We all see it happening and he casually walks over to the balcony and begins wrapping the other end around the hand rail. This big black dude we called Celo who pretty much ran the unit, had been there for 3 years awaiting trial on attempted murder and had the only shank in the unit hidden behind his call button inside his handicap cell (which is bigger) runs out and grabs the dude before he can finish tying the knot.

COs rush in and strip the dude, put him in what they call a “turtle suit” – basically green foam pads wrapped around your body with velcro and a padded helmet to go with it. They take him to solitary and we never see him again.

All this over a measly DUI. ~ ParkCity87

I have never been to prison, but I went to county for a few days for shoplifting. I tore a section out of the newspaper to do a crossword, and another inmate asked me if I ripped up the paper before she had a chance to read it. I go “uuhhh…” because I’m a sophomore in college and she’s in her late 30s. This other inmate, in her 60s, goes “it’s just jobs section on the other side.” The first inmate says “maybe I wanted a job!” and my savior said “you aren’t getting a job, you’re in ORANGE” (i.e. she was headed for prison). The first woman slammed her cell door shut. I was in stunned silence the whole time. ~ gay_no_chaser

I only spent one night in jail, but coming in as a barely 16 year old preppy teeny bopper in cutoff shorts and a tank top made it very interesting.

The guys I was arrested with went through processing first because they needed a female officer to frisk me. So I’m sitting alone on a long bench on one side and the two cops are on the bench across from me. An older man is brought in, of course out of the entire long, empty bench he picks to sit shoulder to should with me.

He look down, look back up, and goes “you have pretty toes” in the creepiest way you can imagine. The cops are laughing across from me, dicks. A few moments later they bring him around to the shoe scanner room where you are searched before entering the main admittance area. All I hear is “AHHHH MY EYES” so obviously I get up and look through the glass door to see him rolling around on the ground clutching his eyes after getting pepper sprayed. Instant karma.

Another fun one, when I was waiting to get discharged I was solicited by a prostitute because I could apparently “make some dope money strippin”. No thanks. ~ xowhitney

In the women’s crazy ward, for some reason they gave other inmates the job of SPA, which means suicide prevention aide. Basically people tried to kill themselves so much that the job was for an inmate to sit in that unit all day and if they saw anyone commiting suicide, go get a guard. So i ve got this job and watching everyone in their cells, one youn girl is screaming for two hours, asking “please please let me out I just want some juice” begging for juice for hours. She looks about 18 and terrfied. Eventually she starts crying and actually looks pretty damn sad, the guard says Fuck it just get her a juice. She goes to open the cell door, give her a juice, and close the cell door but instead of that happening, as soon as the guard opened the door, the inmate ran out, slapped the guard on the ass, screamed “Bazoonga!” and started twerking. The cop just stood there shocked for a moment and said “What the fuck??” And then put handcuffs on the inmate and charged her with assault for the butt slap. ~ muffinmilky

Check out the rest of the stories over at Reddit.

Prison cell image by Shutterstock

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Before settling down at BroBible, Douglas Charles, a graduate of the University of Iowa (Go Hawks), owned and operated a wide assortment of websites. He is also one of the few White Sox fans out there and thinks Michael Jordan is, hands down, the GOAT.