“My couch pulls out. But I don’t. ” – an idiot, somewhere
You know, I never really understood that saying. Or why anyone would buy a pull-out couch for that matter. No better way to tell a loved one to go fuck themselves than by letting them sleep on your torture rack of a pull-out couch. Oh sweet, you have a pull-out couch. Any chance you have a bed of used hypodermic needles I could sleep on instead?
Wouldn’t a more accurate saying for the “Condoms Suck” generation be, “My couch doesn’t pull out. But I do.” “Oh, and P.S. I also shimmy up your torso and bust on your face without permission.”
Anyway, according to an article on Broadly, no one wants to the general public to know that pulling out is just as safe as condoms because no one benefits from a successful pullout, “No one profits from pulling out, so it’s harder to find funding to regularly test it.” That’s right, BIG CONDOM doesn’t make money if people aren’t firing loads into latex (or whatever animal skin that condoms are made of these days). That theory makes a ton of sense. Who is making money from people pulling out? Charmin? Kleenex? Maybe Bounty if you blow ungodly-sized loads? Whoever it is, it’s certainly not the folks who make their living making scumbags. Can’t have that.
“Withdrawal…is about as effective as condoms at preventing pregnancy” begins a 2014 study published by Contraception, an international journal on reproduction. When practiced perfectly—in other words, when the male partner pulls out before ejaculation during every incidence of vaginal intercourse—only 4 percent of couples who use the pullout method will get pregnant within a year. Imperfect, or typical, use bumps that to 18 percent. (Male condoms failure rates are 2 percent for perfect use and 17 percent for typical.) This is a minor discrepancy, yet pulling out has a reputation for being dangerously cavalier, while condoms are the gold standard of sexual responsibility. Several of the medical professionals I reached out to for this piece were sympathetic to withdrawal use but afraid to say so publicly.
FOUR PERCENT of couples who use the “withdrawal method” perfectly get pregnant. I’d argue that number could be zero percent if stupidity and selfishness from guys weren’t factored in. And by that I mean the guys who want to stay in for that extra stroke because DAMN IT FEELS SO GOOD. You know who you are. Selfish pricks.
Of course, pulling out won’t protect you from things like STDs, so that’s something to keep in mind. Or don’t. It’s your junk, destroy it as you see fit.