You, bro, should not be posting selfies to social media. You should be out living and doing the things that people take selfies to brag about.
Your girl posts selfies because women are allowed to brag about every boring, minute aspect of their lives. For whatever reason you, as a man, are not allowed to. So don’t.
No one wants to see your sad face when your favorite ‘Walking Dead’ character dies. No one wants to know that you changed your hairstyle. So stop doing that crap.
But there are outlying circumstances for when selfies are actually useful for posting. But it will take work. It will take guts. And it will require you to go out and do some living. You up for the challenge? Then let’s go. And bring your phone, bro.
1. Only cool-ass shit need apply
You should only post pictures of you doing cool shit like meeting a celebrity or hanging out in the cave they used to film ‘Batman Begins.’ But some of you might say, ‘what about that Kendrick Lamar concert I saw?’ Shut up. Unless you were front row and Kendrick himself was posing in your selfie, concert photos are useless. Everyone goes to them.
Your determining factor is a layer of exclusivity. If this is something not everyone has time or access to, the selfie post is allowed. So seeing the Foo Fighters at a stadium doesn’t work. Seeing them at CBGB’s? You’d be good.
2. Let other people do the work
If you’re out at a bar having a good time and someone else wants to take a selfie, cool. Let ‘em. And let them post it to Facebook. And let them tag you.
Why is this ok? Because it gives the idea that you like to have fun, but aren’t spending your time desperately trying to show everyone else how much fun you’re having.
3. No bro pictures
Your selfies taken with other regular people should always be with girls. The hotter the girl is, the better. We know you love your bros. We know you’d drop any guy messing with your bros. But pictures with them are unnecessary for social media. If you have to take ‘em, leave ‘em on your hard drive or print ‘em out and frame ‘em for your place.
4. Stick with Facebook
If you’re going to post save it primarily for Facebook. Instagram is for the heavy hitters and hot girls. Your spirit animal on this is Dan Bilzerian. If the things you do don’t look lame in the ‘Bilzerian context’ then you’re good to post them on Instagram as well.
5. All, all the same name
If you’re posting selfies in any context, you’re doing it to make sure they get seen, right? Then make sure all of your social media shares the same name. The same name exactly. No added ‘@’s or hashtags or underscores. This streamlined approach will ensure that anyone looking to see the cool shit you’re up to will find it easily.
6. Don’t post anything that could get you fired from a job
If you went to see Lisa Ann during her feature night at Spearmint Rhino and got a picture of her shoving titties in your face, cool. Don’t post it though. This is strictly trusted bro material. Potential hiring managers might see a wild card that’s too spicy to offer a $170K gig with perks and sparkling benefits to.
7. Avoid hashtags
Your shit might get more eyeballs if you use them on your various social media pages, but then it only looks like you’re actually trying to get attention to the cool shit you do. This translates to ‘trying too hard.’ And, again, girls can get away with this. You can’t. (Depending on your profession and level of attractiveness, you can probably get away with this one though.)
8. No food
Don’t ever take pictures of food unless you’re in Nepal and they’re feeding you sugared scorpion tails or a crew of hot girls cooked you a birthday dinner. Again, exclusivity.
No one thinks you’re as badass as you think you are unless you’re having a good time at something badass. So smile, bro. With teeth. Straight teeth that you’ve brushed regularly, right bro? Right?
One last time I have to re-iterate though that you should be out living the adventures you want, not figuring out how you’re gonna get a signal so you can post about them. There are few things more attractive than a man that does cool shit, but treats it like it’s just his everyday.
If you have more Bro Selfie Rules get at me on twitter @mightyspan because I may be smart as hell, but I don’t know everything. Yet.