Scientific Reasons Why Beer Makes Bros Better At Sex

oktoberfest beer girl


Beer has gotten a bad name as a dong downer, but I’m here to show you that your favorite sudsy brew can actually be a sexual performance enhancer, and science will help explain why.

It Makes You Last Longer

Are you a two-pump chump? Beer can help you and your mini me avoid jizzing in your shorts just from feeling up a perky pair of boobies. Premature ejaculation is often caused by anxiety and stress, and having a few beers will help you relax and enjoy the sexy situation. Sex expert Dr. Kat Van Kirk states that the phytoestrogens in beer can help delay ejaculation. No more of your pistol misfiring.


Dark Beer Can Give You Boners

Dark beer has iron, and iron helps your red blood cells produce hemoglobin. This protein transports oxygen around the body, thus improving your circulation, thus then allowing my blood flow into your cock, thus then giving you a turgid wang. Sorry pale ale drinkers, go take your flaccid peen to the craft brew house.


Beer Will Prevent You From Having A Heart Attack While Boning

Nothing kills the sexual energy in the room quite like someone dying. After you die, the poor girl has to wait a whole 2-6 hours for your chode to get hard again once rigor mortis begins to set in. Who has that kind of time? So avoid having a heart attack during a frantic fuck sesh by having a beer.

In a study by researchers at Italy’s Fondazione di Ricerca e Cura, they discovered that a pint a day makes you 31 percent less likely to suffer from heart attacks, strokes or heart disease than those squares who don’t drink. So if you combine a daily beer with some cardio, your heart will be good and ready for you to be the Iron Chef of pounding vag.


Guinness Will Prevent You From Literally Shitting The Bed

After death, the second worst thing you can do to kill the mood is having the green apple splatters. The chance that your lady friend is into scat play is extremely low, so play it safe, have a Guinness or three and don’t get diarrhea.

Guinness has oodles of vitamins and minerals that have probiotic qualities. Probiotics have special microorganisms like bacteria or yeast in them, which help fight the germs that cause diarrhea.

Guinness also has antioxidants that clean the circulation system, allowing vital blood vessels and capillaries to have superb blood flow, most importantly to places like your penis when you want to have an erection.

Unfortunately all of these benefits only happen when beer is consumed in moderation. Too much beer and you’ll be puking up Doritos and DiGiorno’s in the lap of the chick who was about to make sweet love to you and her pussy will dry up like the Gobi Desert.