Star Spangled Hammered: Picking The Next President Based On Your Favorite Alcoholic Drinks

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With the first two primary contests coming down the pipeline in the next month, many people our age are asking themselves questions about the future. Among things like, “What am I doing with my life?” and “Is this milk still any good? Oh god, no, why can’t I afford groceries?”, they’re also asking who they should vote for. With a Republican field that looks like a Hunger Games knock-off and a Democratic field that was largely, outside the frontrunners, a who’s who of “Who’s that?”, people need some help. Well, I have a foolproof way to select candidates that will invariably wreck American democracy, but at least people will enjoy themselves in the process. Selection via booze.

Everyone makes drunk decisions. Why not vote that way? Sober people voted some of our worst presidents into office. It literally can’t go worse by adding booze. So, figure out which of your favorite drinks lines up with a candidate of dubious quality and get to the polls.


The Long Island Iced Tea: Donald Trump
A little bit of everything distilled into a glass of pain that will assuredly fuck up your night, the long island is not a drink for the faint of heart. One of them has been known to put light weights on their collective asses for an entire evening, much like Trump has done to establishment politics. It will not, as it often claims, make your bender great again, but it will cause you to think long and hard about the choices you’ve made to get to the point where you are considering voting for an older billionaire in the service of a sentient, evil hairpiece.


A Straight Shot of Fireball: Bernie Sanders
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Popular with entire colleges and most people under 30. Sanders, much like Fireball, is angry about a lot of things, and knows how to fix them: raw passion and a shit ton of cinnamon. While this drink will probably take most of your money, supporters argue you’ll get the most bang for your buck, though also probably a killer hangover. Plus, the whole socialism and red motif is just a really aesthetically sensible combination.


Kentucky Gentleman and Coke: Rand Paul
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He would have been Jack and Coke, but he doesn’t believe in that kind of fiscal excess, though he does support large corporations and brands in their pursuit of big profits. Rand, much like Kentucky Gentleman, is all about no-frills utilitarianism. No one is going to rave about this cocktail, but it gets the job done, even if it doesn’t always agree with you. This is a drink with minimal mixing required, because it doesn’t believe in interventionist mixology. Side effects may include a desire to audit the federal reserve bank and read Atlas Shrugged.


The Gin and Tonic: Jeb Bush
giphy (3)Boring, established and surprising no one, the gin and tonic is the drink of choice of affluent people past their drinking prime, much like Jeb Bush. While it gets the job done like a KG and coke, it does it with more flair and pandering, and at a much higher price point. Mixes well with other cocktails, and will likely intervene in your cranberry vodka.


The Cranberry Vodka : Hillary Clinton
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Popular among college freshmen girls, WASPy older women and people that don’t actually drink, but want to look like they do at high dollar Wall St. functions, Hillary is the safe bet on the Democratic side as Bush is on the Republican side. Nothing surprising or incredibly interesting, as long you you don’t accidentally send state department emails over an unsecured server after one too many of them.


Rum and Coke: Marco Rubio
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Essentially, the middle ground between a whiskey coke and a gin and tonic. More interesting and exotic, but it still won’t appeal to people from rural areas because they’re going to have problems pronouncing the brand names, and difficult pronunciations are scary. Still has a broad, mainstream appeal.


Communion Grape Juice: Ted Cruz
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Not as milquetoast as a firebrand religious guy can be, but not much for the Devil’s water either. If you like your grapes unfermented but still sour about pretty much everything anyway, go with the guy voted “Creepiest-looking presidential candidate” six months in a row.


Water: Mike Huckabee
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He doesn’t drink, just like his core demographic: hardcore evangelicals. If you want your water to wine with a little less wine, he’s your guy. Not included with your water: rampant homophobia.


Appletini: Carly Fiorina
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Appletinis were popular for a hot second, until everyone forgot about them. Just like Carly Fiorina.


The Beer Someone Forgot On The Table In A Drunken Stupor: Martin O’Malley
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Who? Something about crabcakes, football and high taxes. He was listed as “unknown man” in the caption of a Washington Post photo of Democratic candidates. Accurate description.

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