Nothing chaps my ass more than logging on to Facebook and seeing the customary engagement photo accompanied with the caption “Marrying my best friend!” No, you’re not. You’re marrying your soul mate, your lover, your shnookems, your bae, your fuck buddy, and the plethora of other labels your partner has a monopoly over.
You most certainly aren’t marrying your best friend. Unless after years of chasing women, getting shitfaced in your parents basement, overcoming that awkward stage where you wore the Abercrombie sea shell necklace, you circled back and realized you want to bone the dude who Sharpies a dick on your face every time you pass out prematurely.
The people who are “marrying their best friend” are the people who believe their significant other can’t handle them finding fulfillment in anyone else but them. And that’s downright insulting to the dude who covered for you when you shit your pants at the 8th grade school dance. Thanks, Tony. I owe you.
A new study by Carnivore Club, the world’s first cured meat of the month club, finds that my opinion is, once again, correct.
According to the study which surveyed over 2,000 American men, six in ten men would rather hang out with their best friend than their partner. More than half of those polled said they spend more time laughing with their best friend than they do with their significant other.
The study also claims that the significant others feel a bit threatened by binding bromances.
As many as one in two regularly get in trouble with their partner because of their best friend- with the average bromance racking up the equivalent of 22 days solid hanging out a year, which could explain why men are statistically nearly six times more likely to argue with their partner than they are with their best friend.
When push comes to shove, the study reveals that 36 percent of men would consider breaking up with their partner if they did not approve of their best friend. In the eloquent words of the Spice Girls, “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” You said it, ladies, not us.
There is no stonger ‘mance than a bromance.
Now let’s go do some activities.
P.S. We are dolphins and dolphins are us.
[h/t Carnivore Club]