A parent’s main objective is for their children to be more prosperous than they are. Financially, morally, and sexually. Before today, I knew for sure I was failing on the financially and morally fronts. But thanks to a new study published Tuesday in Archives of Sexual Behavior, I learned that my dad’s laid pipe more than I have. I should have known he wasn’t playing golf all those days he came home with his shirt untucked and his fly down. I always wondered why a man who hits the links so much is constantly slicing it in the drink when I played with him. Turns out, those weren’t the only balls he was getting wet. Dad, you scalawag, you.
The study analyzed 33,000 adults amounting to 40 years of survey data comparing the sexual attitudes between generations and determined that millennials have had fewer sex partners than Baby Boomers. Millennials averaged about eight sexual partners (YA…..LAST WEEK! AMIRIGHT), whereas those surveyed from Generation X averaged 12 sexual partners.
Study co-author Jean M. Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University, admits that the results were unexpected and attributed the findings to millennials being more cautious about sex than our hippie parents in part due to the HIV and AIDS epidemic of the 1980s and 1990s.
Twenge speculated the pussification of America is to blame:
“It’s the first generation to always ride in a car seat, have safer playgrounds, and have parents who won’t let them walk to the playground. Maybe that is coming into play with millennials — they’re more cautious.”
I think we need a recount. Maybe in the next study, Twenge can only survey the millennials who are on Tinder. I understand that would be like us playing ball with an aluminum bat, while our parents step up to the plate with a broomstick, but THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM, DAD!
Hey, at least we’re beating our great grandfathers (those born in the 1910’s), who averaged a mean average of two sexual partners. No wonder mine was so fucking cranky all the time.