How to Tell Your Girl to Lose Weight, Plus a Bro Wants His Chick to Stop Trying to Finger His Ass

Q: How do I go about telling my girlfriend that she needs to lose weight? She could probably lose 20 lbs but what amount should I start at so I have a better chance of success?

A: Listen closely; Come a little bit closer…YOU DON'T.

Never fucking ever tell your girlfriend that she's anything other than the hottest babe you could ever be lucky enough to have sex with. Because if you do, you will be instantly alone, without your fat girlfriend. Best case scenario you get sexiled for a month while being bombarded with tears and a probable corresponding weight gain. Backfire.

What you can do is be proactive in a less obvious manner. If you don't exercise already, start– and encourage her to do it with you as an activity together. Take her for active dates– walks, hikes, “strolls”…shit, even agree to go to Yoga. There's some great butts in yoga– and both of you will be motivated by that.
And afterwards, harness your newfound “health kick” and suggest cooking a healthy meal at home rather than hitting up Haagen Daaz.

Q: I’m in a fraternity and some of my ex-hookups are currently exclusively dating some of my bros. If they say hi to me and I talk to them, my girlfriend freaks out. Should I be rude and not say hi or talk at all, or should I be pleasant and at least say hi?

Also, is this normal, or should I be telling my girlfriend to grow up?

A: So what you're saying've begun dating your jealous 6th grade girlfriend. And you thought you left her brace face at the playground…

So what's your plan breau, become a mute? Deem yourself a social outcast because your girlfriend won't allow you to interact with other humans? Sure you may have had sex with some of these girls in the past, but you need to lay down the motherfucking law. While I myself may have been a jealous girl once or twice in my day, the level you speak of is god damn ridiculous; and she should know it. Make sure she understand that she can trust you– and hopefully you're not leaving anything out of this scenario like blackout make outs or days of disappearing, because that would change my response. Otherwise, yes. Give her a chance to grow the fuck up. If she can't pull her shit together in a timely manner then drop her for one of your ex-biddies, or at least a girl who isn't crying at the frat party.

Q: Ran into this one babe haven't seen in a while at the hometown bar, and first thing she asks me is if I'm still with my girlfriend. Clearly that means she wants the dick, right?

A: You sir are reading between the lines, and doing so accurately. Kudos; homegirl wants the d and is being pretty straightforward about it. She's covering the initial bases on her end to determine if she's got a green light at the tolls on the dick highway, so open that gate and let her know she's got the go. Buy her drinks, light her cigarette, then take her back to your tollbooth…or wherever the fuck you live.

Q: As of about a month ago every time I have had sex with my girlfriend she tries to stick a finger in a place where generally a finger should not be stuck… It's really weird and I'm not really sure how to go about addressing it…any advice?

A: Whoa whoa whoa—you're telling me dudes AREN'T into ass play? Goddamn, I learn something new every day.

In her defense you probably do the same thing to her, but if you're not into being on the receiving end then you just have to tell her. Drop the hint by pulling her hand away the next time she tries to slip you a fast one, and if she still doesn't get the picture just straight up tell her you don't dig that shit. Sure, most girls aren't used to hearing guys say the word “stop” in the bedroom, so she may be caught of guard. But bottom line (pun intended, of course) no one should have to suffer through awkward or uncomfortable sex. My bet is she just picked up last month's Cosmo and read the often misleading column titled, “How to spice things up with your man; ten new tricks to try in the bedroom that he loves but won't tell you.”

Fucking amateur hour–that's why I only read my own sex advice; and your girlfriend should too.

Q: So me and my girl live about a 1/2 hour away and see each other 5-7 days a week.. every time we hang out I feel the need to make the most of it and hit it. She's always down with it but I'm wondering- will she start resenting me if she thinks that if we hang out she's gonna have to have sex? She's never complained but I wanna know the female perspective on it.

A: I'm a little confused about how often you see your girlfriend; if you weren't “long distance”, would you see her nine days a week rather than only seven? Doesn't seem like you've got it so rough… anyways, If she were distressed about it she'd probably voice it, so that's good for you. Be young and enjoy your babe girlfriend while she's still a babe. That said, try to integrate a movie or dinner date in between your bang sessions so she knows you care (even a little) about more than her being naked in your bed.

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