I Have Seen the Future, and It Is in Terrifying Reanimated Neanderthals Overtaking Us

Harvard Medical School professor George Church has a crazy vision. The genetics expert—who, I should add, is a tenured professor who helped map the famous Human Genome Project—believes that one day he'll have the capabilities to bring back Neanderthals, the extinct ancestor of modern man, and all he needs is an “adventurous” woman to give birth to the baby. Church even thinks that this will happen in the near future.

From the Daily Mail:

Church told German magazine, Der Spiegel: 'I have already managed to attract enough DNA from fossil bones to reconstruct the DNA of the human species largely extinct. Now I need an adventurous female human.

'It depends on a lot of things, but I think it can be done. The reason I would consider it a possibility is that a bunch of technologies are developing faster than ever before.

'In particular, reading and writing DNA is now about a million times faster than seven or eight years ago.

'Another technology that the de-extinction of a Neanderthal would require is human cloning.

'We can clone all kinds of mammals, so it's very likely that we could clone a human. Why shouldn't we be able to do so?”


Doesn't “bunch of technologies are developing” seem like an incredibly unscientific way to say that we might soon be able to bring back the Neanderthal? Was Church drunk and just trying to one-up his friends when this story was reported? “Well, screw you! I'll fuckin' bring back cavemen. I know a bunch of technologies and shit to do it with.”

Anyway, why is this going to inevitably end in our demise? Because, contrary to popular belief, the Neanderthals possessed a larger cranial size and thought more logically than Homo Sapiens. It's not inconceivable to think that they'll learn faster than us, be able to out-think us, and ultimately decide that they need to eliminate us, because any species that's allowed “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” to pull 3 million viewers an episode doesn't deserve to be around any longer.

Prof Church added: 'Neanderthals might think differently than we do. We know that they had a larger cranial size. They could even be more intelligent than us.

'When the time comes to deal with an epidemic or getting off the planet or whatever, it's conceivable that their way of thinking could be beneficial.

'They could maybe even create a new neo-Neanderthal culture and become a political force. The main goal is to increase diversity. The one thing that is bad for society is low diversity.

'This is true for culture or evolution, for species and also for whole societies. If you become a monoculture, you are at great risk of perishing.

'Therefore the recreation of Neanderthals would be mainly a question of societal risk avoidance.'


Hope you like roast duck with mango salsa.