The Face Blanket Is A Thing And I’m Officially Moving To The Moon

Fucking America. The land of opportunity. I’ve been doing this life thing all wrong. Completely overthinking things. This whole time I’ve sought seeking to “cultivate a career” when the answer was right in front of my face, like on my face, keeping it warm. Why work to improve trivial things like clean energy mechanisms or the melting ice caps when the answer has always been a fucking piece of felt to wear on my head. And it’s only $9.99?! I’ve spent more on irrelevant things like food and a Brazzers membership. Hit me up for the password because I can’t watch porn anymore with this blanket over my head.

I deserve a stake in this booming business. I’m going to start my own line of Face Blankets but instead of them being just your simple primary colors, I plan to screen print the face of Hollywood’s hottest stars on the front. Is that the wildebeest I brought home from the bar or Mila Kunis? Trick question: there’s no difference with my Face Blanket. All interested investors can contact my dad because he handles all my finances.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.