This week, as you have heard ad nauseam, is an important one in the Catholic world and in the lives of many Catholic bros, for two reasons. The first reason is that this weekend marks the feast of St. Patrick – the patron saint of Irish exits, green beer, and leprechauns. The second reason is that beginning tomorrow, the Catholic cardinals enter the equivalent of a religious Thunderdome – many men enter, and only one comes out with a funny hat. Today, of course, is the start of the Papal Conclave.
Now, there’s been a lot of pointless debate on the news, and more importantly, in Vegas, about who the College of Cardinals will pick. The reason I say pointless is because no one on CNN or Fox and Friends has any clue about what a bunch of old men in (absolutely dope) red slippers and gowns are going to do in that room. But, I know for a fact the 5 best candidates will not be picked because of various factors. The following are the actual best 5 candidates for the job, with pros and cons for each.
5. Whoopi Goldberg
Pros: Sister Mary Clarence here was once a nun with some real pipes, so I think that gives her some solid qualifications. She’s also an American, and a minority, which would bring some diversity to the church Most importantly, she was once romantically involved with Sam Malone himself (Ted Danson), and did not cut off his testicles when he wore blackface that one time. See, she has compassion.
Cons: Is a woman, was first a hooker in Sister Act before becoming a nun, and may have several new types of bacteria growing in her dreads.
4. Father Maxi from South Park
Pros: He’s a Catholic priest. He was also the only voice of reason in a previous meeting of cardinals in which he tried to explain that having sex with little boys was not actually part of Catholic doctrine. Also, he’s Amurrican and he won’t take yerr jobs.
Cons: Is a two-dimensional cartoon, and has been around Eric Cartman for far too long to be of any real good to the world.
3. Nacho Libre
Pros: He’s a Catholic priest in Mexico who champions the welfare of little orphan niños, is an excellent wrestler, and has stretchy pants (just for fun). In another life, he also defeated the devil by playing the greatest song in the world.
Cons: Jack Black may be hiding some Judaism, and might die a quick death from rocking out too hard/doing too much cocaine.
2. Christophe Waltz
Pros: This wouldn’t’ be that drastic of a transition for the church. Pope Benedict XVI was German, and spoke several languages; Waltz is Austrian, and speaks German, French, and English, and is possibly Catholic. Waltz has even played a pope on SNL pretty convincingly in a commercial for Papal Insurance.
Cons: This wouldn’t be that drastic of a transition for the church. Waltz has experience playing a Nazi in the movies, and Pope Benedict XVI had experience kind of sort of playing a Nazi in real life. I’m going to Hell.
1. Jack Donaghy
Pros: An Irish-Catholic from Boston, he is a man who knows his way around a glass (or case) of good scotch, would never allow the church to fail in fear of Nancy Pelosi taking it over, has excellent hair, and is always impeccably well dressed. What, if it’s after six, do you expect him to be wearing anything other than a tux?
Cons: None, you commie bastards.