2015 is upon us, and rather than make predictions that may or may not come true, let’s just cut through all the bullshit and talk about what we need to happen. This is for the good of the entire species, okay? After all, we’ve been through a lot lately, survived riots, internet trolling and even the worst efforts of Madame Kris Jenner, and we need some good things to finally happen for us. But let’s not live in the past. Let’s look to the future with these 9 things that we all need to see happen in 2015.
A New ‘Star Wars’ That Doesn’t Suck
Look man, the second any of us sees Jar-Jar Binks pop up on that screen, we all have permission from the UN to riot. I have it in writing. But I have a feeling that we’re in better hands here now that JJ Abrams has taken control of this thing and brought back the OG nerd heroes for one last war of the star variety. He already resurrected one nerd franchise in Star Trek, virtually everything he does turns to gold, and he’ll probably care about more than just selling lunch boxes to idiot kids. Still, we’re all at least a little nervous here, right? The Jar-Jar PTSD crippled an entire generation. That was our Great War, and none of us ever wants to return to those killing fields again.
The Fall Of The House Of Kardashian
Madame Kris has kept the money hose turned on, her Photoshop hand remains strong, and with a whole new generation of tricks … er, I mean daughters, to pimp out, it seems as if her reign might last forever. But as Paris Hilton, the Osbournes and assorted Snookis have shown us, even the most insatiable fame whores end up fading away and becoming little more than white noise in the ever-present static of the pulp culture signal. People eventually just tune that shit out or move on to the next soulless creature willing to debase themselves for dollar bills and cable TV rating points. It hasn’t happened yet, but god willing, 2015 will be the year that we collectively ask, “What else is on TV?” I mean, what else is there for us to gawk at with them? Wait, don’t answer that. Please. You’ve broken the Internet enough.
‘Game Of Thrones’ Kicking Things Up A Notch
I’m not sure how much wilder Game of Thrones can get. At least without being distributed by Vivid Video anyway. But still, I think everyone’s excited to see where the show goes next, especially now that it seems to be ready to outpace the books and explore some its own story lines. It already started to happen late last season – remember the Night’s King scene? – so even hardened vets of the books should have something new to look forward to, while everyone else can eagerly anticipate the next round of debauchery. At the very least it will be entertaining, and probably controversial as hell. Protests will be held, Internet dorks will whine, boob lovers will rejoice… it’s going to be great.
Hipsters Finally Go Too Far
Look, I don’t want this to happen either. Nobody wants to see a legion of sad bros lounging on street corners in diapers and beards filled with Christmas ornaments. But I think we need it to happen. It’s about time for the ridiculous fashion statement which is hipsterism to go the way of parachute pants and bib overalls and the only way that will happen is if it becomes so widespread that two things happen – one, everyone gets sick of it, and two, the hipsters themselves reflexively deny their own sudden mainstream appeal and disintegrate in a mess of contradictions.
Of course, hipsters aren’t going anywhere. They’re here to stay, and to be honest, we kind of need them to keep us all on our game and the world of culture a little more interesting. But that only works if they’re the counter-voice. That’s the problem now – they’ve become the dominant pop culture voice, and in that role they’re just insufferable. It’s not quirky or different. It’s just trendy and annoying. Look, we want you to go back underground, you want to be underground again… everybody wins. Except maybe shitty beard enthusiasts.
The Legalization Movement Keeps On Keepin’ On
Look, I don’t want to get into a political war of words here, but I think everyone can agree that the recent legalization of marijuana in various communities has been a huge success. The fabric of society isn’t decaying despite the screeching of church lady types, tax revenues are up, and, let’s face it, anything that makes people mellower isn’t a bad thing these days. It would be kind of nice if everyone could enjoy those same benefits without being looked at as scourges of society, you know?
Look, this isn’t a “Hey ay ay! Smoke weed everyday!” call to arms. (RIP Nate Dogg.) It’s just about time that everyone agreed that whether you smoke or not, that shit just isn’t a big deal. We have enough issues to worry about. We don’t need to get all worked up about bros and lady bros smoking some plants and then chilling on the couch all afternoon with a bag of Funyuns. That’s all I’m saying.
It’s 2015. That means it’s finally the year promised by Back to the Future 2, and since we’re obviously going to be denied our flying cars and even our self-drying clothes, I won’t see Doc Brown and his boy Marty turned into liars. No sir. So let’s all pull together and at least get this hoverboard shit going. We’ve already got the groundwork laid – or the airwork, I guess – now we just need to find a way to get it on the streets for common folk to use. Doc and Marty challenged us here like JFK once challenged a nation to go to the moon back in the day, and I, for one, am not ready to let them down. The honor of our society is at stake here.
Kendrick Lamar Finally Conquers The Rap Game
Kendrick Lamar has been right on the edge of taking this shit over for a while now, but in order to really become the new king, he needs to finally drop that long-awaited album this year. If he waits any longer, he’s just going to seem eccentric. His time is now, and if he misses his window, he – along with all of us – is always going to wonder “What if?” He can run the game like his mentor Dre did back in the day, or he can be just another in a long line of Next Big Things that never quite fulfilled their potential. All he’s got to do is actually, well, do it.
The End Of Internet Outrage Culture
We’re better than this. We have to be.
It’s okay to care about things. And it’s okay to get upset when something truly awful happens. I’m not denying that. But we need to stop getting faux-outraged over every little goddamn thing. It’s awful, and it’s eating everyone alive.
We need to stop constantly looking for slights and insults and “incorrect” language and thoughts everywhere we look. Because you will find it if you’re looking for it. But what’s the point? It’s just outrage for its own sake. Nobody’s life is made better by it. Nobody is made happier. We need to find a way to overlook all of the bullshit and see to the heart of things, what really matters, and be better to each other at all levels. Misunderstandings happen, and we need to accept them for what they are instead of getting out the torches and pitchforks and piling on anyone and everyone who we think might have fucked up a little bit.
Besides, every time you do this, you cheapen real outrages. You desensitize everyone to the things we should be getting upset about. If everything is an outrage, then in the end nothing is an outrage, you know? It just turns people off, and alienates people who would otherwise sympathize with you and your beliefs. I know I’m probably just hollering into the wind here, and people will just keep on being pointlessly outraged because being outraged for its own sake has become its own religion, a way to be involved in a community – a sad community, but still – but it’s the same sort of comfort and community one finds in a mob. We can do better. We can be better. All I’m asking is that we all try.
We Stop Killing Each Other
No matter where your sympathies lie, no matter who you want to blame, it would be cool if we could just stop killing each other. Whether it’s a black kid getting shot in the street, or cops getting assassinated in their squad cars, let’s all recognize how fucked up it all is. Just stop for a second as we move into 2015 and think about it. Really think about it. Not the political ramifications or the biases or any of that. Just think about how sad it is that this is happening, and, again, let’s all just try to be better.
We’re not all out there killing people, no, but we all play a part in creating this tremendously hostile environment that contributes to these sorts of things happening. We’ll all have fun in 2015, jokes and laughs will be had, and the world of pop culture will continue to astound us with both its ingenuity and its inanity, but take a moment in 2015 to think about this, really think about it, without all your own biases and prejudices getting in the way, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll all make it through 2015 together.
2015 image by Shutterstock