Attention NYC post-grad Bros: Are you 6 feet or taller, played lacrosse in college, work for a bank, wear half-zips, Ray-Bans Wayfarers, loafers, and Patagonia vests, know Bob Seger lyrics, and looking for a girlfriend now that the summer’s over? Two of the most basic girls ever are now taking boyfriend applications on Craigslist.
Just from their criteria alone I am overwhelmed by their Starbucks-slurping, Soul Cycle-loving Murray Hill can’t-even-ness. You better at least be an analyst at J.P. Morgan with dreams of Director and V.P. in your future. You should probably already be casually talking about your plans to move to P.E. or a hedgefund when you move back to Connecticut in a few years. Associate-level at a consulting firm and anyone employed by a Big Four need not apply.
Socially, your once-wild days of closing down the bar at Brother Jimmys and the Joshua Tree should long be in the rearview mirror.
A girl has to have standards, you know?
There’s no doubt these girls work in fashion (…probably buyers for J.C. Penny or something) or P.R. (Edelman? MMW? Taylor?) or any other job that generally involves checking Instagram and/or Elite Daily and/or Hello Giggles a lot during their work day. They think The Bean or Think Coffee is a “hipster” coffee shop. They lunch on Liquiteria, think the cocktail speakeasy inside Blind Barber is actually cool, wait hungover in the godawful line at Thompkins Square Bagels on Saturday mornings after nights at Bowery Electric, and “dine” monthly at Beauty and Essex. On the company, of course.
Enjoy the apple-picking, Bros.
*If you’re old and live outside the Tri-State, I realize that none of this makes sense to you. But if you get it, you get it.