Ever since I watched Final Destination at a middle-school sleepover, I’ve pretty much been convinced that every natural disaster/random instance of someone dying is a result of Death claiming their soul after being cheated out of it. Hell, I’m afraid of it. Everytime I cross the street or do anything that doesn’t involve sitting on my couch to surf the web i.e. watch porn, I mentally prepare myself to suffer a gruesome death. Or to avoid a gruesome death, only to suffer a more gruesome one at a later date. So I really can only assume that this woman who got real frisky with her man-friend did something to cheat death earlier this week.
“A thrill-seeking woman’s head was sliced off by a speeding train as she had sex just inches from the world famous Trans-Siberian railway track. The horror accident happened as the woman romped with her lover close to a station in the remote region of Buryatia. The breathless pair were being writhing around on the floor when they suddenly heard a noise coming closer.
A Russian Railways source said: “The woman was on top of her partner and when she heard an approaching train, she started to stand up. Right then, the speeding train torn her head off.”
He explained: “Had she remained in her previous position, she would have stayed alive. The man survived.””
Ah, the classic ‘too demanding in bed’ street justice. If the chick had just been grateful that a man was willing to share his body with her instead of being selfish, she would have survived. It’s just another example why I wholeheartedly believe in natural law. Animals don’t care about what position they’re in. They’re just in it to win it. And you know what? They don’t get their heads cut off by speeding trains.
“It is not clear when the horror accident happened but the moment of passion was near Zaudinskaya railway station in suburbs of Ulan-Ude, the regional capital. The amorous couple were homeless people who were “both drunk”, according to The Siberian Times. The pair were not named. The case was highlighted amid concern over the number of accidents with people crossing railway lines in Russia.
The train company issued a warning: ‘Dear citizens, Russian Railways yet again ask you to respect health and safety rules,’ said the company which operates trains across Russia. “Be responsible and take care of yourself and your family and friends.”
Wait, so this isn’t the first time this happened? Are homeless people just sniffing Jenkem before throwing down on the train tracks all over Russia? ‘The Curse of the Headless Russian Homeless People.’ Sounds like a Goosebumps book.
“The couple are not the first to have suffered a horror accident while engaged in carnal relations. Earlier this year, a pensioner collapsed a died as he romped with a prostitute in his home.
The unfortunate sex worker became ‘stuck’ to the dead man and had to be brought out of his home on the same stretcher to the hospital where medics separated the two.
And in April 2015 a man was found dead in his home after dressing a scarecrow in lipstick, a wig and a strap-on toy and having sex with it.”
Welp, that’s disturbing. It seems like a lot of Russians cheat Death only to have to pay the price later in their lives. Though, personally, if I have to go out, balls deep atop someone I paid to have sex with me is definitely not the worst way. At least she has to pretend to miss me until our hour is up.