12 Moves Women Pull When They’re Sick That Drive Men Absolutely Nuts

1. Constantly announce they don’t feel well — “Ugh, I don’t feel well. I don’t feel good. Did I mention I don’t feel good? I know what you’re thinking, this constant cough and snot gargle in my throat are hot, but it means I’ve got the start of a cold.” An hour later — “Ugh, I don’t feel good at all.” And repeat for the next week.

2. Seek medical advice as if you’re a doctor — “Should I take something? I don’t know if I should take something. I hate how the medicine makes me feel jumpy. Does my throat look red? Does this look swollen? How do you not remember what it usually looks like? Don’t you love me? Although, cold meds do curb my appetite. I won’t eat all day. I’ll fit into my favorite [VOMITS ALL OVER THE FLOOR]…should I take something? I hate feeling jumpy.”

3. Listen to their friends/co-workers instead of a doctor – “Dana, from work..you know Dana. I talk about her every day. She’s the only person you’ve ever met from my office. Her name is Dana. You know Dana, right? Well Dana got this tickle in her throat last week and found out she has the plague. I totally have the plague, I know it. She drinks from my water bottle at the gym EVERY DAY. You know Dana, she works with me and works out with me. She’s from the office. She’s over here every night? You know Dana, right? Well, she’s going to die and I totally know I’m going to die now.

4. Think juicing can cure anything — “I’m not going to take any medicine. I’m just going to juice. I’ll take a ton of Vitamin C and just juice. Where’s the juicer? I need the juicer. I also need you to run to the market and buy every orange available. Better yet, do you have time? Can you go to Florida? I just don’t trust the oranges at the market, the ones straight from Florida. I need them right off the tree. Where’s the juicer?

5. Post about her illness on social media — “I’m so sick everyone! Please send good vibes my way. Also, please pray for Dana, she’s taken a turn and DAMN IT I CAN’T STOP COUGHING!”

6. Finally takes medicine and let’s a guy know — “I took medicine. I don’t think it’s kicked in yet. How long does it take? Can I take more already? It says no more than four times a day. What if I’m up all night? Can I do a fifth? Can I take night time stuff too? It can’t be four times of the same stuff, right? I’m not hungry, that’s the best part of all this. Can I take more? I’ll call Dana, she’ll know. Weird. She’s not answering.”

7. Turns the living room into a hospice — “I’m sorry I’m leaving snotty Kleenex everywhere like Gennifer Goodwin crying over a boy in a romantic comedy BUT I’M SICK! DON’T YOU CARE! DON’T YOU CARE I’M SICK! It’s like you don’t even care that I’m sick. Did I tell you I’m sick?”

8. Turn the house into a jungle — “I turned the heat up a little. I was cold. These eight blankets and the Foreman grill under my ass aren’t enough. Well 8o degrees is nice in the spring, how would I know that’s not supposed to be the temperature in a house? What am I, a weatherman?!?”

9. Continue to commit to personal events and complain about having to go to those events — “Ugh, I like have to go. Seriously, I have to go. I feel like ass, but I have to go. If I don’t go, I’ll never hear the end of it. I already committed to going. I don’t even feel like getting dressed. I don’t feel like moving. Do you think I have to go? I have nothing to wear and I don’t feel like putting anything on. I mean she was my best friend, and died of the plague, but will anyone notice if I’m not there?”

10. Call their mom — “I just called my mom. She’s ridiculous. I told her I’m sick and she’s like ‘do you want me to bring you some soup or medicine’ and I’m like ‘JESUS CHRIST MOM I’M A GROWN WOMAN!’ Can’t a grown woman call her mother to complain about being sick without her mother offering to help? Unreal. She’ll never let me grow up. Also, she said I don’t have to go to Dana’s funeral.”

11. Do everything to ensure you get it next — “I’m sorry I cough in your open mouth last night. I didn’t know you were in the bed.”

12. Say “guys are the worst when they’re sick” 

Chris Illuminati is a recovering a**hole. His latest book — The New Dad Dictionary — Everything He Really Needs to Know – from A to Zis available for pre-order now.

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Chris Illuminati is a 5-time published author and recovering a**hole who writes about running, parenting, and professional wrestling.