Unfortunate Study Finds That Women Who Moan Loudly During Sex Actually Just Pity You And Your Micro Penis

I know I’m preaching to the choir here when I say that girls are nearly impossible to figure out. Right when you think you’re beginning to understand the inner-workings of their brains, they go out and buy the same white Michael Kors purse they bought last week, only this time in off-white. The irony of this purchase is that they never reach for their precious new purse when the dinner bill comes. Another weird thing girls do is file for a restraining order when you show up to their parents home on Thanksgiving unannounced. Weird, man. Weird.

To add to the list of head-scratching things women do, lets enter the bedroom. A particularly pleasant time for a man during sex is when the girl starts moaning louder than you micropenis warrants. For a second, you forget that your triceps aren’t strong enough to hold yourself up in missionary–which is why you just lay on her like a pancake having a seizure–and convince yourself that you’re a sex god, a white Lexington Steele, if you will.

Well, not so fast.

In a study analyzing sexual patterns in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, 71 sexually active heterosexual women aged between 18 and 48 were asked questions about making noise during sex, scientifically named “copulatory vocalization.”

The study largely found that moaning isn’t inDICKative (nice one, Matt. Thanks.) of a job well done, but for reasons I wish I never knew.

While many of the women admitted to being vocal, the majority revealed it was not as an indication of pleasure.

Instead, 66 per cent of the women said they did this to spur on their partner to climax and bring things to an end. And 87 per cent explained their motivation was to boost their partner’s self-esteem. (Via Mirror)

What’s more depressing is that many participants revealed that they moan because they’d rather be doing anything else.

The participants also admitted they made noise “to relieve boredom, fatigue and pain/discomfort during sex.”

Of course, no one in the long run benefits from faking it, but women are by no means alone – female macaques and baboons have also been found to do this.

I don’t know what to believe anymore. What’s next, girls asking ‘Is it in?’ during sex means they’re having the time of their lives? In that case, call me Peter North from now on.

[h/t Mirror]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.