World War II Veteran Writes His Own Badass Obituary
Pennsylvania’s John E. Holden killed bad guys over Okinawa, loved women voraciously, and, before he passed, penned a tremendous obituary for the Lancaster Intelligencer Journal that highlighted his tremendous life well lived. Like, for instance, did you know Holden was awarded the “the Air Medal for action in Okinawa in 1945 and the Distinguished Fleeing Cross for avoiding numerous women who were seeking child support under unproven circumstances”? Everyone over the age of 90 is infinitely cooler than us.
Here’s the full text:
John E. Holden, alias Jack, took the Deep Six, Monday, May 27, 2013 at the Willow Valley Retirement Community after a life filled with endless laughter and debauchery. While flying his beloved Corsair as a Marine Fighter Pilot during WWII, he was awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross for his combat activities, the Air Medal for action in Okinawa in 1945 and the Distinguished Fleeing Cross for avoiding numerous women who were seeking child support under unproven circumstances.
After WWII he spent eight years with the Armstrong Cork Company and resigned with the title of Assistant Director of Advertising plus a dinky pension. He then joined the Hubley Toy Company and later became an independent toy designer.
He was a longstanding member of the Lancaster Country Club, the Hamilton Club and the International Mickey Mouse Club from which he was immediately banned after providing housing for a number stray cats.
For many years prior to his demise, he wrote a tongue in cheek publication at Willow Valley called “The Wrinkle Valley News” where he had close to a thousand readers whom he referred to as “The Inmates of Wrinkle Valley.” They fully enjoyed his creative humor and his intention to help them make unwise decisions in their hectic lives.
Jack was widowed ten years ago after sixty-one years of marriage to Elaine Ewing Holden. He has had a number of other wives recently, none of which were his. Three daughters, Holly, Wendy and Anne Holden and a son, John E. Holden, Jr. have managed to survive despite being related to their father. His last words were “I’m really going to miss myself.”
Stay tuned for the “Gone Away” party to which the invitation may never come. In all seriousness, in lieu of flowers, please send donations to Honor Flight, 300 E. Auburn Avenue, Springfield, OH 45505 or http://www.honorflight.org.
Jack Holden wrote this obituary several years ago.
Online condolences and funny memories of Jack may be posted on our Web site:
I’m going to go find an old guy to drink whisky with tonight.
[H/T: Daily Mail]