This Asian Children Basketball Routine Is Amazing And Should Make Every American Cower In Fear

If you bleed red, white, and blue and this video didn’t instill any fear in you, you should probably just defect to Canada. It’s unclear which Asian country this is but it doesn’t matter because it’s not America. While we’re handing our children Dunkaroos and participation trophies, Asia is doing it right by giving its toddlers protein shakes and rigorous workout regiments. No joke, when I have a kid, I’m teaching him just one skill. That’s all you need in this life. Andre Agassi’s dad attached tennis balls to the mobile above his crib and shot them out of a cannon at him when he was six. And he just turned out to be one of the greatest tennis players of all time. Ya, he got addicted to meth too, but fuck it, haven’t we all? I mean, shit, Floyd Mayweather can’t even fucking read and he could buy your dad’s company and fire his ass. And here I am over here with a $100,000 liberal arts education just so I can be kinda shitty at a bunch of different things.

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Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.