The Best Golf Course Trash Talk: 13 One-Liners Every Golfer Should Know

Golf is a game that is equal parts mental and physical. The motion and timing of the body must come together in perfect harmony on each swing at just the right time to get the club face square against the golf ball for maximum compression and accuracy, and the brain is the one telling every moving part what to do.

Golf trash talk is a way to tickle the brain on days when everything might not be perfect, or the mood needs some lightening. When golfing with strangers, trash talk might not be welcome but with best friends trash talk on the golf course is required.

The Funniest Golf Course Trash Talk Every Golfer Should Know

Here we break down 13 one-liners that every golfer should know.

These barbs are the foundations of golf trash talk and every golfer, serious or not, should commit these to memory!

Golf Trash Talk Scenario 1: Playing Partner Has A Short Putt

So you’re out playing and gimmes aren’t being handed out. Your playing partner is stepping up to the ball about to hit it in from inside 4-feet. What do you say?

You wait until things get real quiet and then hit them with the devastating “take your time with these next two putts” and send their mind into a tailspin. Gets them every time.

Golf Trash Talk Scenario 2: Someone Chunks A Shot

The best trash talk on the golf course is all about timing. It becomes cringe-inducingly obvious when someone is forcing the banter and not letting the perfect opportunity present itself.

For this one, you will want to wait until your playing partner chunks a shot. Ideally, it comes after they have piped a drive and had ‘birdie’ on the mind before catching too much of the ground and sending a big ol’ beaver tail of grass flying 30 yards down the fairway.

As they are sitting there, ready to throw a club in anger, you calmly look at them and say “bold decision to lay up from there.” It snaps them back to reality and changes the mood in an instant. Just make sure you know your playing partner and don’t pull this one out on a complete stranger who might take it to seriously.

Golf Trash Talk Scenario 3: Horrible Putt or Stuck in the Sand

There are two times, and two clubs, where you can bust this next one out. I tend to lean on this go-to trash talk phrase when we are on the green but it could just easily work if someone is in the bunker and having trouble getting out.

Let’s say we’re putting and my partner misses a putt he really should have made. He’s furious. In that moment I tell him “well, at least you had the right club in your hand.” Drives them nuts every single time.

This one is especially good to pull out on your dad if your dad is the type of guy to take golf way too seriously with respect to how good of a golfer he is… Ie., he throws a club in anger despite being a 22 index and has no business expecting to play good golf. And similarly to the putting scenario, if your partner is stuck in the sand and can’t get out then you can remind them that they at least have the right club in their hands (aka it’s all user error).

Golf Trash Talk Scenario 4: Mind Games

In this scenario, your playing partner is a bit of a headcase, an over-thinker. You don’t want to ruin their whole world but they have been needling you for a while and it is time to take them down a notch.

On the next tee box, you ask them if they are inhaling or exhaling during their swing. It is a devastating thought. One that will infect their pre-swing routine like a poison. Save this one for the right opponent. Don’t bust it out as friendly fire.

Golf Trash Talk Scenario 5: You’re Beating Your Opponent In A 2-Person Match

A lot of times on the golf course there’s just two of you, not 4. That type of competition gives you the opportunity to humble your playing partner.

The second you get a lead, if you are playing well enough, you remind them they are in last place. Not that they are losing, but they are in dead last place. Sure, there are only two of you but banter is banter. Last place is last place.

Golf Trash Talk Scenario 6: Needling Your Opponent

This one works well depending on how close you are with your playing partner. In a best-case scenario, you bust this one out with your brother, dad, cousin, or regular golf crew. You need to know your audience.

And it is a long game you are playing… They get a bogey on the first hole (you know this) and ask them if you should ‘put them down for a double?’ Add +1 to every score, aloud, not on the scorecard. So they get a par, you say ‘nice bogey.’ They manage to pull a birdie out of thin air and you say ‘that’s a real ho-hum par right there.’ Keep it up for as long as you can.

Golf Trash Talk Scenario 7: Challenge Them

In this scenario, your playing partner is chippy. They won’t stop ribbing you all day. You are coming off a below average shot, what do you do after they hit you with more trash talk?

You immediately challenge them to a driving contest on the next hole and tell them they have honors. Not only will they swing out of their shoes trying to beat the brakes off the ball this will throw off their tempo entirely for the next few swings. But you reaaaalllly need to sell it in order to get them to swing lights out.

Golf Trash Talk Scenario 8: Give It Up

There are a lot of times you just want to have a repository of one-liners to pull from when golf trash talk is necessary… Quick jabs that are often shot back after your opponent says something snarky.

A good one to have on hand is “if I played golf like you, I wouldn’t” as a reminder that while you might be struggling at that moment you are still the superior golfer. This one only works, of course, if you are the better golfer.

Golf Trash Talk Scenario 9: Reverse Psychology

In this scenario, your playing partner needs some advice but they are so far gone in their own head they can’t listen to you. You want to suggest a swing fix but don’t want them to snap, what do you do?

Hit them with “you’re not swinging hard enough” as a subtle reminder that golf is all about finesse and tempo. It is telling them they are swinging waaaayyyyy too hard without spelling it out for them.

Golf Trash Talk Scenario 10: Devastating Blow

Have you reached your wit’s end? Is it time to hit your playing partner with the most devastating golf trash talk that you can think of?

After their next poor swing, hit them withe “except for distance and accuracy that was a great shot.” There is no clap back to that, no recovering. It cuts to the core.

Golf Trash Talk Scenario 11: ‘LOFT’

For when you need to spell it out for someone on the golf course… hit them with ‘you have an extreme loft issue.‘ It doesn’t matter what club they are using, any club will do. A putter is fine.

When they inevitable ask ‘extreme loft?’ you then spell it out for them as “yeah, extreme Lack Of F—— Talent, L.O.F.T.” Boom, roasted.

Golf Trash Talk Scenario 12: Chirp Away

Did they chunk a shot 15 yards down the fairway? Barely make it off the tee box with the driver? Stay in the sand after a horrible bunker shot? If so…

A simple use of “I can see it” will immediately cut the tension like a hot knife to butter.

If you are playing with someone who is chill, they’ll laugh it off and it will likely help them refocus. If you are playing with someone who doesn’t have the self-awareness to realize they are a bad golfer then this might set them off but that is a risk worth taking.

Golf Trash Talk Scenario 13: If Only

Last but not least, anytime a shot is hit wayward and you want some golf trash talk to bust out you can tell your partner “that would’ve been a great shot if the hole was over there.”

This one is best used on a par-3 but you can also use it off the tee if they spray their drive off into the woods.

Now go forth into the world with all of the world’s best golf trash talk committed to memory and spread the good word!

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