Everyone who follows college football knows that Michigan fans are The WORST. Literally, THE WORST. They are the smug, pretentious douchebags who show up with a personal six pack of craft beer because they “knew the keg wasn’t going to be something they like.” They ask for gluten-free meals at weddings. They piss with the toilet seat down in a house they’re a guest in. They put their elbows on top of the glass guard at Chipotle like they own the place and breath too-close-for-comfort on everyone’s food. They drive exclusively in the left lane. They are Andre from The League.
After Michigan’s devastating loss on Saturday night, ESPN’s Jemele Hill — a MSU alumnus — tore the Wolverines a new asshole yesterday.
“For all of 20 seconds, I thought about coming in here with dignity, grace and class, but frankly, you Michigan fans don’t deserve that. For months, I’ve had to listen like you all like you won the national championship because you got Jim Harbaugh. My own coach came to ESPN this summer and he wasn’t asked about his own program. Noooooo. It was Jim Harbaugh this, Jim Harbaugh that. You would’ve thought Michigan hired a combination of Vince Lombardi, Bill Belichick and Bear Bryant.
“Coming into this game, I thought Michigan State was playing the ’85 Bears. Then you hoodlums had the nerve to vandalize our statue of our beloved alum Magic Johnson. You had the nerve to insult our academic reputation. And on top of all of that, my own co-host, Benedict Arnold, asked me fifty-eleven times, ‘You scared? You nervous? Ya worried’ As a matter of a fact, go get me some water because the way I’m feeling now, I might not you talk until Wednesday.
“Anyway, as much as I would’ve loved it if we curb-stomped Michigan at the Big House, it had to happen this way because this one, it hurts. This one’s gonna burn for a long time. That hurt is gonna be all up in your chest right there. It’s pain. We stole your soul. Woooooo! Man, that feels good.
“Look, you can believe we were lucky. Call it a miracle. I really don’t give a damn. Only two things matter. We’re undefeated, and you Michigan, have now lost to us seven of the last eight times…I want all you Michigan fans who are listening right now to gather really close to your television sets, turn up the volume real high and let these three words resonate.
“We. Own. You.”
If you hate Michigan as much as Hill does, go watch this dude’s videos…