Lil Dicky Attempts To Lock Down Rob Gronkowski In Man Coverage In The World’s Biggest Mismatch

With the exception of maybe DeSean Jackson vs. Josh Norman and me vs. everyone at 6th grade recess, there is conceivably no bigger mismatch than Rob Gronkowski vs. Lil Dicky. Dicky is thinner than my wallet and looks like he hasn’t seen the inside of a weight room since Harambe was an infant. Gronk, on the other hand, exited the womb the a dumbbell in one hand and a Four Loko in another.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: in order for anyone to give a shit about preseason games, the NFL should insert one Average Joe on each side of the ball. It would bring me no greater joy to see Lil Dicky aka the Human Gumby use the skills Dr. Gurney taught him in middle school against the most physically imposing athletes on the planet. Poor bastards would be eating out of a straw.

When you spittin’ game to a girl at the bar and you tell her you still live with your parents…

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Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.