LFL Coach Delivers A Fiery Pregame Speech And I’d Take A Bullet For The Man

Let’s review.

Length of speech: 30 seconds
Number of swear words used: 8
Number of times the word “ready” was used: 6
Number of people inspired: an entire nation

If that doesn’t make you want to run through a fucking wall, then you maybe this whole ‘tackling chicks in lingerie’ business isn’t for you. But, me personally? I just went to Vicky’s Secret to pick myself up a couple sexy outfits for 2016 tryouts. And I’m the last person you want to see on a slant route across the middle. Believe that.

I kind of want my parents to disown me so Coach can take me under his wing and I can eat dinner at his place and sleep on his couch. And after we win the Lingerie Football League championship, we meet at mid-field for a warm embrace and I say “thanks, coach,” to which he pauses and says “call me Dad.” And then the camera crew I hired to follow me around freeze frames our mutual first pumps and the credits start rolling.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.