Length of speech: 30 seconds
Number of swear words used: 8
Number of times the word “ready” was used: 6
Number of people inspired: an entire nation
If that doesn’t make you want to run through a fucking wall, then you maybe this whole ‘tackling chicks in lingerie’ business isn’t for you. But, me personally? I just went to Vicky’s Secret to pick myself up a couple sexy outfits for 2016 tryouts. And I’m the last person you want to see on a slant route across the middle. Believe that.
I kind of want my parents to disown me so Coach can take me under his wing and I can eat dinner at his place and sleep on his couch. And after we win the Lingerie Football League championship, we meet at mid-field for a warm embrace and I say “thanks, coach,” to which he pauses and says “call me Dad.” And then the camera crew I hired to follow me around freeze frames our mutual first pumps and the credits start rolling.