Myles Garrett Dominating A Game Of Pickup Basketball Looking Like Thanos Is Peak Emasculation

Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

First off I’d like to apologize for choosing the feature photo that clearly shows the outline of Myles Garrett’s johnson. I would replace it with something a little less 3D, but we have a Getty Image account that allows a finite number of downloads per month, so if we can all agree that it’s not about the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean, maybe we can move on without the help of a mental health professional.

In any event, gone are the days of NFL players smoking cigarettes on the sideline and spending their offseasons in a recliner slugging beers over the glow of The Andy Griffith Show. Being an athlete nowadays requires year-round training, and anything short of that, assumes the risk of being physically flattened by someone like Myles Garrett.

Garrett—6’4”, 270 pounds of tungsten—captured the attention of the internet after being filmed dominating a local pickup game looking like Zion Williamson’s father.


Interesting for Myles to tag Mark Cuban instead of Cavs owner Dan Gilbert. Maybe he wants to play for the Texans? Lol, just kidding.

Garrett balled in high school and his half-brother, Sean Williams, was a star at Boston College and was selected number 17 in the first round of the 2007 NBA draft by the New Jersey Nets.

I’m no biologist, but I don’t need any more evidence to conclude that I am closer in genetic makeup to a cockroach than to Myles Garrett. It appears this is not a singular thought.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to run 1.8 miles and down a bag of pizza rolls. Stay grindin’ folks.


Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.