3 Hard Truths About Last Night’s Episode Of NXT

Well, ladies (probably not) and gentlemen, we’re back with another episode of NXT.

If you follow Brobible for your wrestling needs, you’re already familiar with 5 Reasons To Be Pissed You Missed Raw. In a similar vein, I’ll point out the exact opposite. NXT is so great that I have to really dig for the things that I don’t like. Some of them aren’t even things I don’t like, just things that I notice that I have to accept. Let us find acceptance together, shan’t we?

Solomon Crowe defeated CJ Parker

Since this match was taped a few weeks ago, the news came out that CJ Parker is no longer with the company. A shame for many reasons; chiefly, it seems like every single wrestler in NXT, based on their social media, is bummed out to see this guy leave. Sadly, he was never gonna be viewed as more than enhancement talent.

Parker could draw legit heat and work. I dunno what more the WWE wants from a dude. Looking at his body, I guess I could kinda tell what they wanted from the dude. He’s not ripped to high hell, so there wasn’t a clear path for him. I hope the indie circuit treats him well and he finds his way back to the company in the years to come.

Anyway, good match. I really like Solomon Crowe, I think he’ll be a good mid-card guy one day. But like….isn’t he supposed to be a computer hacker or something? Like is he gonna get on that? I’m not the one that made pro wrestlers also have side jobs, don’t blame me for pointing it out when they’re not doing it.


Paul Heyman cutting a promo about a wrestling playing card game is more interesting than most people’s promos that aren’t commercials. That’s just something worth noting.

Baron Corbin defeated Steve Cutler

Well they spent the first 5 seconds talking about how Cutler is a war hero so why not have Corbin kick the shit outta him for the next 5 seconds and end the match.

HARD TRUTH #1: Does anyone care about Corbin? Has this quick beatdown nonsense done anything to build his character? What are we doing here?

Colin Cassidy & Enzo Amore defeated Angelo Dawkins & Sawyer Fulton

HARD TRUTH #2: I don’t see Enzo Amore being a WWE Superstar. I just don’t find him to be that good of a wrestler. Have you taken a second to consider him as a wrestler? You probably haven’t because he typically wrestles for no more than 2 minutes after talking for 5. He’s not that good. However; he’s fucking electric on the mic. There’s no reason he couldn’t be used on the main roster similar to how Truth Martini is used on ROH. (I assume everyone reading this is as big a dork as me and watches wrestling outside of the WWE)

Blake and Murphy showed up, I wanna take a second to correct myself on a previous article. They are not called the Dubstep Cowboys as I mentioned in a previous rendition of this article. That was the work of @tholzerman who came up with the name on Twitter and it some how bled into my consciousness.

Alex Riley Promo

Holy shit Alex Riley’s eyes just completely exited his head, did anyone else see that? Is he a ghost? What is happening here?

But this is what they should be doing more often on the main roster. Quick backstage promos where the thing that takes a minute to say is said in a minute.

The whole problem with the main roster is that they have 5 hours to fill and they fill it with repetitive empty calorie promos.

Anyone wanna explain to me why Alex Riley gets a rematch? Anyone? Has he beaten a string of other people to earn another shot against the champ? No? Did he even have a really competitive match with the champ? No? Then what the fuck are we doing?

Dana Brooke defeated Blue Pants

Dana Brooke is the drizzling shits in the ring. I can’t say that I expected anything different from a fitness model that’s been wrestling for less than a year.

HARD TRUTH #3: While we’re here, let’s address fireman carry finishers: Stop them. There’s too many finishers out of fireman’s carries and really, what is that move compared to a suplex or a scoop slam? Why am I supposed to believe that’s a move someone isn’t getting up from?

Sami Zayn defeated Rhyno

I figured this would be a good match since I’m sure these dudes crossed paths during their time in Canada.

Unrelated, but for some reason Rhyno wearing a t-shirt made me think of this –Why the hell does Roman Reigns get to wear a vest in the ring? That doesn’t seem fair, right? Like can he just show up in a helmet now? Who’s in charge here?

NXT is doing this weird thing where they build up a match weeks in advance. It’s really strange. They’ll tell you about a match and expect you to get excited about it by showing you clips and promos about the backstory of that fight. It’s really weird. I think it’s illegal actually. It’s definitely illegal.

Good match, Zayn got the shit kicked out of him for most of the match and it actually told a story. That’s something matches aren’t doing on the main roster. The looks on Rhyno’s face as he watched Zayn flail at him with the little energy he had left, Zayn’s movement that clearly told you he was getting the hell beaten out of him and had very little left in the tank. It told a god damn story. It sounds so dumb, and I know I’m a dork for romanticizing all these things, but these are what makes pro wrestling great.

Let pro wrestling be great, you big dumb idiots.

Mike Mulloy is a stand up comic and wrestling fan. Follow Mike on Twitter @fakemikemulloy and listen to his wrestling podcast atpodcastonapole.com