Penn State Head Football Coach Surprises Walk-On With Full Scholarship In Hype Speech

So it is true what they say, bros: hard work does pay off. I wouldn’t know that personally because for me when the tough gets going, the going gets tired and gives up. Ask my college basketball coach, after I spent two weeks on the team, quit, then drank heavily, smoked obscene amounts weed and chased tail for four years. Best worst decision I’ve ever made. But I’m a steaming pile of shit so it’s nice to see a blue-collar, lunch-pale type player rewarded for his perseverance. May not be the strongest or the fastest, but busts his ass and keeps a good way about him, and that’s the kind of dude I want on my squad. For real though, if you’re reading this Von Walker, I could use you on my flag football team when your season’s over. I got a bunch of uncoachable ‘Me’ guys and could use your presence in the locker room. We can’t offer you screaming fans or groupies, but my buddy has a vaporizer that we hit post-game and it usually does the trick.

Sleep on it, bro.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.