Football Sundays are here! Nothing to do but sit back, crack open a couple and soak in about eight to ten hours of NFL action.
Not everyone understands that Sunday is your sabbath, your holy day, your day to do nothing but sit around and watch NFL football until your legs go numb from either lack of use or a buffalo wing coma. It used to be that Sunday obligations meant missing NFL games but now with streaming technology and cell phones that look better than live action, missing your favorite NFL team’s game on Sunday is fucking inexcusable.
Here are just some of the places you weren’t really supposed to NFL games before — but now you can — and should this weekend.
The only people ever having fun at a wedding are the bride and the groom. Everyone else is getting hammered and making the most of the fact they just spent a ton of money on a relationship that might not last through the honeymoon. People get drunk at weddings, cause a scene, profess their love for the bride or groom in a crying fit in the bathroom and even start fights that involves the cops. So what’s a little harmless football watching during the exchanging of vows or bouquet toss? It’s their fault for getting married on a football Sunday anyway!
Any Family Function
Aunt Betsy picked a Sunday for her yearly chili dinner. Her chili is sick but her TV hasn’t worked since the Friends finale. “I’ll be there in a minute, Aunt Betsy! I want to see if the Rams score on…um…I mean I’m admiring your impressive collection of Beanie Babies!”
If churches want to get more butts in the pews they need to make services a little more exciting. Add a free bar at the entrance, hire a cover band to do all of the hymns and hire a motivational speaker to give the sermon. It also wouldn’t hurt to have free WiFi. Luckily, you’re getting full bars and praying your favorite team is ready to roll just moments before kickoff. If they score on their first possession, feel free to scream out in joy, but just make it something like “praise God!” just to blend in.
It used to be that NFL games were only on the sabbath but now with MNF and Sunday Night Football and eventually Thursday Night Football the league is turning into Every Night Football. Unfortunately, some night, you’re stuck in class or in a study group or even the library. HAHAHAHA no one besides amateur porn stars use the library anymore. Since you’re stuck in a lecture hall for three hours, pop on a game. It’s not like you planned on paying attention anyway.
You don’t work on Sundays. Well, you’re not SUPPOSED to work on Sundays, but here you are, thanks to a jerk boss and you’re inability to come up with a lie on the spot. It’s Sunday. It’s a day of rest. Since you can only partially rest because you’re on the clock, spend your lunch break, coffee break and a majority of the day watching out-of-market NFL games on your phone.
The Fall tradition that’s become a favorite of every female and the enemy of every bro. “We’re not going to stay inside all day on this beautiful Fall Sunday, are we?” You freaking planned on it! But you’re not now. You’re out in the middle of some farm. You’re doing farm work that the farms were smart enough to trick dumb people into doing and getting them TO PAY FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF DOING IT! The apples don’t need your full attention. You can watch a game and pick a bushel of Granny Smiths that will be rotten by Halloween.