At these events, the players, young gentlemen in the late teens and early 20s, are rewarded for their hard work with tokens of appreciation from the sponsors of said “Bowls.”
These packages are what is known, in the parlance of late, as “hooked the fuck up.” So I've ranked them, from 1-32 (My thoughts in italics).
32. Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Gift suite, RadioShack gift card; ESPN cap; Ogio overnighter bag; Big Game football
Is RadioShack even around? Do they sell Discmans?
31. Gildan New Mexico Bowl
Gift suite, portable mobile device charger, 8 GB USB; Oakley Breadbox sunglasses; cap, Oakley Fine Knit beanie; Oakley Flak Pack XL backpack; Gildan stadium blanket
Thank you for this phone charger and blanket. Dick. So you think I'm poor?
30. Heart of Dallas Bowl
Gift suite; Fitbit Flex watch; ESPN cap; football
ESPN gear is what every young male wants.
29. R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Gift suite; Fossil watch
Meh.
28. Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Gift suite; Oakley sunglasses; Tori Richard aloha shirt, Pro Athletics shorts and performance T-shirt; Ogio backpack; beach towel
A Hawaiian shirt. Did someone's Dad put this together?
27. Little Caesars Pizza Bowl
Timely Watch Co. watch; leather luggage set; football
Just what every guy craves. Luggage.
26. San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
$205 Best Buy gift card; Reactor Heavy Water watch; Maui Jim sunglasses; cap
What kind of cap?
25. Fight Hunger Bowl
Soundmatters wireless portable speaker system; Fossil watch; Maxx HD Wayfarer sunglasses; messenger bag; Macy’s gift card
Messenger bag sounds so demeaning.
24. New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Variety of New Era products
Fuck. That.
23. Belk Bowl
Shopping trip to Belk department store; Fossil watch
Could be higher if I knew what Belk was.
22. Russell Athletic Bowl
$450 Best Buy gift card and shopping trip; Timely Watch Co. watch; Russell Athletic workout shirt
Would be higher but Russell Athletic gear is so 90s.
21. Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl
Gift suite; Fossil watch; Ogio Cube backpack
Free wings or GTFO. Fuck this.
20. Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Gift suite; Fossil watch
Complete shit.
19. TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl
Fossil watch; Dome hat; Mercury Luggage Seward Trunk luggage set; football, Jostens ring
GO JOSTENS
18. National University Holiday Bowl
$305 Best Buy gift card; Reactor Meltdown watch; Maui Jim sunglasses; cap
Maui Jim sounds cheap.
17. AdvoCare V100 Bowl
Gift suite; Timely Watch Co. watch; New Era skull cap; football
Skull cap? That's racist.
16. Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Gift suite; Port Authority winter coat, Tiger Woods Nike Golf beanie, Scott winter ski gloves; iPack backpack; Big Game football
This is bullshit. Give them potatoes and tell them to score points.
15. Hyundai Sun Bowl
Gift suite; Timely Watch Co. watch; Top of the World cap, Majestic fleece pullover; Ogio backpack; coin, Helen of Troy hair dryer
Why the hell would men need and/or want a hair dryer?
14. AT&T Cotton Bowl
Information not available; bowl committee would not disclose
MYSTERY BOX.
13. Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio
Gift suite; Fossil watch; New Era 59Fifty cap; Ogio backpack
12. Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Gift suite; Fossil watch; Ogio Cube backpack
11. Allstate Sugar Bowl
Gift suite; Fossil watch; New Era 39Thirty cap; Ogio backpack
The BCS, presented by Ogio backpacks.
10. AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Sol Republic Tracks HD headphones; Bulova watch; Nike sunglasses; Nike athletic shoes and sport sandals; Nike Kevin Durant backpack; football
Sport sandals. For the athletic lounger.
9. Chick-fil-A Bowl
Fossil watch; Russell Athletic cap; Russell Athletic bag; football, $300 Visa gift card, Chick-fil-A gift card
I use my cash gift cards exclusively for lunch. This could buy a lot of lunch.
8. Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman
Sony PlayStation 4; winter hat; Ogio backpack
It would be higher if they gave you games to play on the PS4.
7. Discover Orange Bowl
Gift suite; Tourneau watch
HIGH END WATCH.
6. Capital One Bowl
$450 Best Buy gift card and shopping trip; Timely Watch Co. watch; Russell Athletic workout shirt
That's a lot of money.
5. Beef ‘O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl
Samsung Galaxy Tab 3; Oakley Breadbox sunglasses; Oakley Status backpack; Schutt mini helmet
Breadboxes are dope.
4. Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl
Samsung Galaxy Tab 3; beanie, cap; Oakley Flak Pack XL backpack; football, Zappos gift card
Tablet computing and free shoes from Zappos. Don't mind if I do.
3. Texas Bowl
Samsung Galaxy Tab 3; Fossil watch; belt buckle, T-shirt; Ogio backpack; lapel pin
I bet that belt buckle is Texas HUGE.
2. Valero Alamo Bowl
iPad Mini with retina display, Apple gift card; Fossil watch; panoramic photo, Schutt mini helmet
Apple products and money to buy more Apple products
1. Outback Bowl
$150 Best Buy gift card; Fossil watch; cap; Jostens ring, Outback Steakhouse gift card
Free Outback? Fuck and yes.
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