South Carolina’s Football Team Went To Fort Jackson For Some Military Conditioning And I’d Be Dead

If I participated in this activity, my gravestone would read:

Here Lies TJ King
1993 – 2016
He Tried To Impress The Members Of Our Military, May Have Pooped His Pants Immediately After His Heart Exploded

If I was a member of this team, I would have gone full Boobie Miles from Friday Night Lights in under five seconds. “I ain’t here to sacrifice my life for this country, I’m here to play football!!” Granted, I would have had the same experience Boobie did i.e. putting all my eggs in the professional career basket and then hurling said basket out a 10th story window by having no backup plan. Listen, I’m all for camaraderie and experiencing the importance of male bonding firsthand, but I think I could maybe do one of those activities before my entire body turned into jell-o and melted into a hot puddle at the feet of the military officers. “Is that all you got, boy?” “Yes sir, I have literally turned into a puddle of hot, gelatinous sludge. May I be excused. I have to go figure out how to clean out my locker without any arms or legs.”