The Reason Lindsey Vonn Dumped Tiger Is Because He Went Back To His Old, Cheating Ways

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I like to have it, you like to have, and Tiger Woods, despite being one major part of what was one of the most notorious sex scandals of the past 2,500 years, still likes to have sex. Especially, especially — and this is the problem — with women who are not the woman he’s currently promised to be in a monogamous relationship with.

Earlier this month, we reported that Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods split up, the reason given that the hectic lives they led as professional athletes was not conducive to a relationship. Not mentioned in Vonn’s Facebook post detailing the break was the hectic schedule Woods’ penis also maintained.

The Daily Mail has the scoop:

Daily Mail Online can now exclusively reveal that during one of those ‘times apart’ Tiger cheated on Lindsey – with a ‘faceless, nameless woman’, a friend reveals.

‘He had a relapse in the sex department,’ a close friend reveals to Daily Mail Online. ‘Lindsey found out about women again. Always while he’s on the road. Just like when he was with Elin.’

It was after Tiger was eliminated from the San Diego-based Farmer’s Insurance Classic in February, somewhere near his old stomping grounds in Southern California, that Tiger had a one night stand, the friend divulged.

A relapse in the sex department is a great turn of phrase. But Tiger, Bro, it’s cool. Monogamy isn’t for lots of people. That’s fine. Maybe just next time find someone who would gladly be in an open, polyamorous relationship with someone of your stature and wealth. Try Craigslist. Bet there’s thousands out there. Or ask me. Sure, I can’t provide all the creature comforts of a woman, but I won’t care if you sleep around and I’ll come to all your tournaments, dressed in drag if need be.

A friend of Tiger’s justifies the dalliances because Woods doesn’t drink. His logic makes for a really astounding three paragraph defense. Really, read on.

‘He withdrew from Farmer’s. You have to understand, while it’s not right, it’s not really wrong either. Tiger isn’t married. He doesn’t really drink or do drugs. So what else does he have when he can’t afford to lose again? He allowed to find some relief.

‘Most men would drink over such losses. Tiger has sex over it. Usually with local hookers whom he pays exorbitant amounts to, probably so they will want repeat business and won’t tell.’

‘Knowing Tiger, he doesn’t even see it as cheating because there’s no romance or feeling there. It’s just a stress reliever, like a high-ball or two after a bad day.’

Usually with local hookers. Like a high-ball or two after a bad day. All great reasons. This time, though, unlike his teeth-shattering experience with Elin, Tiger came clean.

‘Lindsey found out about the cheating the easy way, if there is an easy way. She didn’t check his texts. Tiger confessed. He took the opposite strategy he did with Elin and instead of hiding it, he admitted it before getting caught.

Word. Good for him. Still, that wasn’t the only problem in the relationship.

‘She started to see how Tiger’s really obsessed with himself, his game, making money, controlling everything around him. The girlfriend takes a back seat. Only golf is front and center.’

Also, apparently, he’s pretty boring, which makes sense. He seems pretty boring.

‘She thought he was a bit of a bore. She’s right. He’s sometimes very boring to be around. He’s got nothing going on in his head sometimes, besides himself. The joke is he doesn’t even have to be that good in bed because women see him like a rock star. Maybe he’s even boring in bed because women throw themselves at him.’

Might explain why he always has to pay for local hookers.

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