Cav’s Coach Tyronn Lue Compared This Year’s Borderline Unwatchable NBA Finals To The Civil War

NBA: Finals-Golden State Warriors at Cleveland Cavaliers

USA Today

Let me paint a picture for you, bros.

I want you to first visualize that teacher from high-school who regularly made no sense but thought they were the smartest person in the world. For instance, my physics teacher would open nearly every class by saying, “Today’s fun fact is that the peregrine falcon is the fastest land animal.” It was clockwork. No matter how many times we would ask for clarification how a bird of prey could be the fastest land animal, he would just tell us to Google it. Which we would and see that said bird was the fastest bird, not land animal. He even put it on our final exam. Got that one? Good, now I want you to recall that scene in 22 Jump Street where the bad guy from the first movie tells everyone he’s Dave Franco’s prison bitch despite Franco begging him to stop. Now combine those two.

That’s Tyronn Lue.

Listen, I feel for the guy. He was tossed into that frying pan of a franchise after the last person in his position was unceremoniously fired. But also, not much of what that guy says makes much sense, and he’s also 100% LeBron’s bitch, no matter how many times LeBron says he’s not.

To strengthen my theory, Lue reportedly fired up the Cavs by comparing their upcoming Game 5 to that of a Civil War battle.


“That happened in 1861 to 1865 and we lost a lot of great men,” he said. “But the thing that stood out to me was they were just showing how they lined up and they were preparing for war and the guys on the front line, they knew they were going to die, but they were willing to die for the guys behind them and they were willing to die and sacrifice for their country. And I said, ‘When you’re on that front line, you got to be prepared and ready to die.’ I said, ‘Everybody tonight in this locker room has to be prepared and ready to stand on the front line.’”

Very eloquent, but you know the big difference between the American Civil War and the 2016 NBA Finals? The Civil War was interesting. Hell, it’s still more interesting than this year’s Finals. They make movies about the Civil War.

While Lue’s speech may have had a hand in helping the Cavs get the leg up they needed to win Game 5, there may have been other factors as well.

“As eloquent as Lue might have been, the lion’s share of the credit for the victory goes to James (41 points) and Kyrie Irving (41 points) becoming the first teammates to ever score 40-plus points in the same NBA Finals game in league history, and he knows that.”

Still no word on when Lue will legally become Mrs. LeBron James.