Why Are Women Obsessed with Hockey Players?

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Editor’s Note: Welcome back to our BroBible relationship column from romance author Leslie Cohen. Read last week’s column here:

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Can we stop pretending that this is some big mystery?

I’ve been watching hockey my entire life. I wrote a hockey romance novel with Sean Avery. Before the Olympics, before BookTok, before Heated Rivalry, one thing was already true:

Hockey is the greatest sport on Earth and hockey players are the hottest athletes to roam it.

Now suddenly, women are at the games shouting “Kiss! Kiss!” Arenas have been rebranded as “boy aquariums.” My friends are texting me: American flag emoji! Hockey stick emoji! Flame emoji!

Welcome to the party, guys.

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Now let me explain this phenomenon, once and for all.

What is the Appeal?

#1. I’ll start with the obvious. Their bodies are beautiful, but within the realm of normal. They are not built like houses or eight feet tall. Women don’t want to buy an extra-large bed. We want to blend in with society. We don’t want to wait for you to finish five meals. You want chicken parm? You got it. You want three chicken parms? We’re starting to feel a little trapped at this restaurant.

#2. Hockey players are low-key. They live in the shadows. Other sports get way more fanfare— football, basketball, baseball— all classic American pastimes, but hockey flies under the radar in this country. The players take solo walks to the stadiums. They don’t really date celebrities. They aren’t generally out at clubs and parties (except when the USA wins gold for the first time in forty-six years, then look the F out, Miami). They don’t seek out attention, and that makes women want to hand it to them.

#3. Hockey requires the ideal level of toughness. Unlike baseball or basketball or (gasp) golf, hockey players get into fights. They get these adorable cut lips, black eyes— just enough proof of battle without overdoing it. A few teeth missing, a la Jack Hughes? Easily repaired by a qualified dentist. Concussions and potentially permanent memory loss and brain damage? Less so. We want to nurse you back to health with Motrin and ice, not multiple MRIs.

4) Hockey requires ballet-level grace. There is a fluidity to every play. It’s choreography on ice. The magic is in the contradiction. It’s power, balance, timing, flow. And what we see on the ice, we certainly expect off of it.

How To Attain Hockey Player Mojo

You can start by dressing for dates like there’s a slow-motion tunnel walk where you’ll broadcast your pre-game outfit to millions of people. Look at the players arriving at games. Clean lines. Confidence. Clothes that fit. Retire that quarter-zip. Pretend you’ve just been to the fashion capital of the world. Show us what you’ve learned.

Lingering glances. Really stare off into space. Either look at something for a while or don’t look at it at all. Every moment of your life should be set to the first thirty seconds of Dream On.

Don’t give one-word answers. There is nothing more offensive to a woman than a text that says “okay” except maybe the thumbs up emoji. We want texture, detail, possibly poetry. Be an artist, but with words. Maybe mouth some expletives, a la Vincent Trocheck.

Hockey players aren’t loud on Instagram. They’re not posting seventeen gym selfies. They’re quiet. Mystery > oversharing. Make noise in your profession, not your personal life.

Hockey is all edgework — the ability to pivot. Push and pull. Give and take away. Women respond to playful disagreement. Tease. Challenge. Don’t apologize for having a take that isn’t mine. We want a man who can read the room, who can switch gears, go from sarcastic to sincere, recover smoothly when a joke bombs. Grace under pressure. Flirting is an exercise in control.

Own your hobbies. Got an eccentric private habit? Let’s hear about it. Look at Sidney Crosby. Apparently, he’s into birding. That’s charisma. That’s mystery. That’s a man who wakes up at 5 AM to identify a blackpoll warbler and doesn’t apologize for it.

Lastly: What do we want? Blood. When do we want it? Now.

Just kidding. But see. Now you can push back. I’ve set up the play.