Congratulations, bro, you’ve just become the ONLY person of the bazillion hopefuls in the U.S. to win the record $800 million jackpot for tomorrow’s drawing of the Powerball. Now the bad part, the fucking government’s going to take a lot of it—as in, like, $304 million up front, according to CNN Money, and then whatever the hell your residing state deducts. Talk about a fucking BIG tax bill, right?
The good news is that you’ve still got, say, about $375 million left in your bank account to do whatever the fuck you damn please with. And, if you’re anything like me, you’ve longed for the chance to own a pro sports franchise—and I’m not talking about that fucking fictional bullshit that video games like Madden let’s you control, but the real deal.
Sounds awesome, right? Sure does… till you realize the cost of a pro sports team is HUMUNGOUS!
In fact, according to Forbes‘ most recent rankings of sports franchise valuations, that $375 million would get you laughed at by EVERY single NFL, NBA and MLB team, meaning you’d be nothing but dirt cheap in a room full of their owners.
Ottawa Senators – $370 million
Colorado Avalanche – $360 million
Winnipeg Jets – $350 million
New Jersey Devils – $330 million
New York Islanders – $325 million
Buffalo Sabres – $300 million
St. Louis Blues – $270 million
Tampa Bay Lightning – $260 million
Nashville Predators – $255 million
Columbus Blue Jackets – $226 million
Carolina Hurricanes – $225 million
Arizona Coyotes – $220 million
Florida Panthers – $186 million
On the plus side, the value of an MLS team isn’t nearly as steep, with EVERY team in the league affordable for you and that paltry $375 million you think is enough to be considered a baller who owns a pro sports franchise.
So go ahead and pick your favorite city in the country and a new team nickname, because you’ve got some big plans in the works for your new squad.