Live from Austin, Texas (and our respective homes) it’s the WWE Raw Recap. Two weeks after the biggest event of the year, WWE is slowly building to the forthcoming Extreme Rules pay-per-view in Chicago.
And we’re really putting an emphasis on the word “slowly.”
This week, senior editor Chris Illuminati is joined by stand up comedian and WWE enthusiast Adam Lucidi. Chris and Adam will discuss the pending pay per view, John Cena’s lust for America, the Bellas, how much they miss the Wyatt Family and Mexican stacking dolls.
CHRIS: And Raw kicks off with…well, if you don’t know what starts every Raw, you’re probably new to all this or you’re lucky enough to have short term memory loss. Either way, you’d be a perfect addition to the WWE writing staff.
ADAM: This is the ONLY thing I see when Kane, Big Show, Seth Rollins and J & J Security are all standing together in the ring together. I’ve also realized Seth Rollins is basically Edge. Opportunist, sneaky, kind of a cry baby…let’s just hope he doesn’t have any live sex celebrations.
Match 1: Randy Orton vs. Kane
CHRIS: I’ve started keeping a document on my desktop that say ______ vs. ______ because it’s the same matches over and over each week and I can only type Randy Orton vs. Kane so many times before I’m praying for an RKO out of a tenth floor window.
ADAM: It’s about time WWE finally acknowledges Kane “just being there.” No one really cares about him anymore and yet WWE deals him shit sandwich after shit sandwich and he attempts to make it work. One time I went on a date with this girl at Qdoba…and “Kane was there.”
WINNER: Randy Orton because it’s in Kane’s contract that he can never win. Ever.
ADAM: BRAD MADDOX IS BACK! Oh wait, now he’s gone again. How does AJ just pick up and leave without giving a goodbye speech? She must’ve learned from The Best In The World.
CHRIS: I’m sad to see her go but if it means Charlotte or Sasha moves up from NXT then I’ll survive. I mean I’ll survive no matter. The comings and goings of the Divas has little effect on my health.
RELATED: Our extensive and hilarious NXT recap
Director Of Operations Kane Is Unprepared In Case Of Emergency
CHRIS: I don’t think Kane gets enough credit for his mic skills. Here’s a guy who spent the first half of his career as a mute, then had a voice box, then got a voice and now he’s one of the only guys on the roster who can make absolute sense during a segment. That said, he’s a terrible Director Of Operations. He doesn’t even know where his bosses went on vacation and doesn’t know if they’re reachable by cell phone. Shouldn’t he know these things?!?
ADAM: The moment the Rollins vs. Neville match was announced, the entire Internet came in their pants. In unison.
Match 2: Neville vs. Seth Rollins
CHRIS: Bryon Saxton has been sent to make us love and miss Michael Cole right? Could he be less excited about this match or this episode of Raw? Is he mimicking how we all feel watching at home? Even I’m slightly more excited than Byron tonight. Unrelated — I hate that my mind and mouth keep wanting to say Aaron Neville.
ADAM: I hate that Neville looks like he should be searching for The Ring with a bunch of Hobbits. Also, when Neville got rid of his first name…Kane was there.
CHRIS: This match might be a good time to bring up the fact that the NXT guys should be used more often as enhancement talent. Instead of watching Jack Swagger, R-Truth and lower level guys get beat week in and week out, the NXT guys get weekly exposure and there’s always the slight chance “hey, this NXT guy could win.” I’m not calling for NXT competitors to get squashed week in and week out, but, just a little change of pace.
That idea just made me wish old 1980s and 1990s jobbers had their own federation. Imagine a lower level WWF with the Brooklyn Brawler and Barry Horowitz going two out of three falls for NVR championships. NVR is short for never. See what I did there?
John Cena’s Weekly Open Invitational To Not Like America
CHRIS: Today, I found out that John Cena is responsible for getting Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose back together. How do you feel about that, Adam?
ADAM: Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve said this, and it won’t be the last…fuckin’ John Cena. Any time John Cena says that a crowd “is fired up” that actually means that they are boo’ing the shit out of him.
CHRIS: John Cena was nice enough to give a warning to any superstar in the back willing to challenge him and that if they do challenge him “he will lose.” Because haven’t you ever seen a WWE show?” I imagine Cena yelling that like Dave Chappelle as Samuel L. Jackson. “Haven’t you watch an episode of Raw since 2006?”
Match 3: John Cena vs. Stardust
CHRIS: Brandon Stroud over at With Spandex had a great rant in his recap of a classic episode of Raw about the “American” wrestler and how pointless of a gimmick it is about 90% of the time. Cena is making the United States title important again, which is great, but he’s going for the cheap pop every time by taking the “I’m America!” angle. If you’re booing him, you’re effectively booing the Stars & Stripes. But, this is wrestling, and we’ll boo whatever the fuck we want.
ADAM: I’m absolutely terrified of Stardust and I despise John Cena…WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO CHEER FOR!?!?!!!?
CHRIS: Now that Golddust is a moment away from retiring, does Stardust go on?
ADAM: The half burnt freak torch has definitely been passed from Goldust to Stardust.
WINNER AND STILL A FUCKING AMERICAN: John Cena
Match 4: The Bella Twins vs. Paige and Naomi
ADAM: Whelp, we had a fun and entertaining hour and 22 minutes of Raw…but now here come The Bellas.
CHRIS: How long will they tease this Bella breakup? The under is four months and the over is four years.
ADAM: I’m still waiting for them to explain why The Bellas reconciled after Nikki Bella told Brie that she wished Brie died in the womb. I’M STILL WAITING FOR THAT EXPLANATION! I’M LOOKIN ATCHU VINCE!!!
CHRIS: They just hit the reset button on their relationship. It’s right next to the BRRRIIIEEEE MODDDEEEEE. Do you think she does stuff in her regular day in Brie mode? “This bathroom isn’t going to clean itself. BRIEEEE MODDEEEEE!”
WINNER: Paige and Naomi
The Primetime Players Are Ready For Prime Time And Possibly Their Own Sketch Show
ADAM: I’m so happy that The Prime Time Players are back together and with a hilarious video promo trash talking The New Day & The Ascension, I vote they be added to the next Comedy Central Roast.
CHRIS: This is what happens when the WWE just let’s natural talent shine. It looks like the Players are genuinely having fun again. I’m sure that will get crushed soon enough.
Match 5: Luke Harper vs. Ryback
CHRIS: I’m sorry internet, I don’t care about Ryback, and probably never will. There. I’ve said it.
ADAM: I haven’t cared about Ryback since he couldn’t pick up Tensai…twice.
CHRIS: I used to care about Luke Harper. And Erick Rowan. How did these guys fall so fast? Wyatt, Harper and Rowan were so fucking over. They had such potential. I’ll argue they had more potential than The Shield as far staying a relevant and devastating threesome. The Shield was incredibly one dimensional– and don’t get me wrong, that dimension of “kicking the shit out of people” was awesome — but the Wyatt clan had the potential to just be 1) fucking scary and 2) cult like in that they could influence people, screw with people and eventually convert people to do their bidding.
ADAM: I really like Luke Harper, he’s a big guy who can move fast and plays the part well of a brawler who just doesn’t care about wins and losses. He just wants to hurt people. Erick Rowan on the other hand…he NEEDS to go back and become “unfree” with Bray Wyatt.
WINNER: The guy always talking about how hungry he is…
Match 6: The New Day vs. Lucha Dragons
CHRIS: “This week, let’s try and find a competitor that the people couldn’t POSSIBLY cheer for over The New Day. Let’s find anyone people hate more than New Day. Quick, call Sin Cara!” — WWE Creative.
And of course, the crowd is completely behind Sin Cara and the Lucha Dragons
ADAM: I think it’ll be interesting to see The New Day finally turn heel. They started out as a possible Nation of Domination 2.0 and then it was quickly scrapped. I think all three guys will be better off as heels.
CHRIS: Did they ALREADY tease a break up with Kofi nailing Xavier Woods? Already?!? Can’t they just clap and make it all better?!?
WINNER: Lucha Dragons
Bray Wyatt Pretends That Whole Thing With The Undertaker Never Happened
Match 7: Big Show vs. Roman Reigns
ADAM: What does Roman Reigns do out in the hallway all night? Eat hot dogs? I bet he eats hot dogs.
CHRIS: Well, it’s the Big Slowwww. It’s the big bad slow guyyyyy. It’s the big slowwwww. I’ve been re-watching the Monday Night Wars and I forgot the awesomeness that was The Giant during his early days of WCW. I also forgot how awful the Dungeon of Doom was because holy crap on a cracker were those some horrible gimmicks.
ADAM: Genius move by WWE to put Roman Reigns in ANOTHER match with Big Show. As we all know, it did wonders for Reigns the first time around. I think Big Show got pinned by Reigns because he fell asleep due to boredom.
CHRIS: Jesus Christ was that hard to watch, even the tenth time around.
WINNER: Roman Reigns
Match 8: Sheamus vs. Mark Henry
ADAM: Sheamus has a great new look. I can’t wait until his beard looks 100% like Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean.
CHRIS: Mark Henry is incredibly dark skinned for a black man and Sheamus is incredibly pale for a while man. Those two bodies standing together were is such stark contrast I thought I was watching a match from 1950 on a black and white TV. Of course, if that were true, Mark Henry’s gimmick would be an untamed savage and Sheamus would be a drunk Irishman. I shouldn’t say that out loud. Not that it’s racist, I just don’t want to give WWE any ideas.
Match 9: The Miz vs. Damien Mizdow
ADAM: This feud could’ve been a WrestleMania match or some kind of Pay Per View match. All I want is for Damien Mizdow to enter an arena to his old Halleluiah music and declare to The Miz, “THE NAME…IS DAMIEN SANDOW!”
CHRIS: I’m hoping Mizdow comes out on top in this feud but becomes kind of a “lost soul” in the WWE locker room. That will lead to Sandow applying to be the assistant for other WWE superstars, and when he doesn’t get the gig, he just mimics them at ringside. Eventually he snaps and just starts taking people out in the office kitchen.
WINNER: The Miz
Match 10: Ryback vs. Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns
CHRIS: Finally, the match we all saw coming in the first ten minutes of the show. Everyone on the roster with an R in their name, get to the ring! Also, why do only certain wrestlers feel the “wrath” of The Authority? Ryback doesn’t get nearly as much shit from The Authority as say Daniel Bryan. That’s an unfair work environment.
Anyway, special props to this r/squaredcircle contributor who spotted that Rollins was using two different belts last night.
ADAM: In a not so shocking turn of events, Randy Orton picks up the win.
WINNER AND #1 CONTENDER FOR ONE OF THE HUNDRED BELTS SETH ROLLINS IS CARRYING AROUND: Randy Orton.
Well that’s it for this week, feel free to follow Adam on Twitter at @adamlucidi and Chris at @chrisilluminati. We’ll be back next week to recap the same exact matches, probably.