Welcome to the inaugural WWE NXT results and recap post.
This week, Mike Mulloy and senior editor Chris Illuminati recap and discuss the return of Sami Zayn and lawn care tips, Rhyno’s squash and an encounter at the airport, the pending arrival of Dana Brooke, Bayley stabbing people, the Dubstep Cowboys and a way too long tangent about title belts.
WWE NXT RECAP
Chris: Sami Zayn opening segment. Am I the last to realize he looks just like the Scott’s Lawn Guy? His catchphrase should be “Feed It” and he should drop lawn tips into his promos.
Mulloy: That is true. Also his theme song sounds like The Mighty Mighty Bosstones playing a medley of Take On Me and the theme from America’s Funniest Home Videos. I’m glad to have Sami back in our lives.
Chris: I am as well…but…there’s a but…I’m completely accustom to the opening segment promo. I can’t remember a Raw or Smackdown without it. I just don’t like when it doesn’t lead to anything later in the show. This felt like Zayn was coming back to let everyone know he made the flight, he wants his title back, and he’ll be at Kraft services the rest of the evening if anyone is looking for him.
Mulloy: But at least it was short. That’s the difference between NXT and those shows too. Sami said something that takes 5 minutes to say in 5 minutes. When it’s Raw and Smackdown and you have to fill 5 hours of programming, that’s when we get 20 minutes of Cena spinning yarn when he could just get to the god damn point.
Chris: Agreed. Speaking of short, match one featured Rhyno and I don’t remember because the match was barely 30 seconds long. Hey look, when you’ve got a 2 out of 3 falls main event, somebody has to get squashed.
Mulloy: I don’t even remember who he wrestled now and that was literally an hour ago. I like bringing back guys like him and Kendrick to have good matches with developing talent.
Chris: I ran into Rhyno at the airport this week. It was 6am at the San Jose airport and I was exhausted from WrestleMania (he delivers the flying humble brag!) and Rhyno was coming out of a security check point. I said “good match Friday night” because I caught the NXT show and he said “hey thanks, thanks a lot” and we both parted ways. It was also short and painless.
Mulloy: I would have asked him to gore my useless body until I was broken and dead.
Chris: I was in the middle of buttering my muffin. That might have made for the greatest Vine of all time.
Mulloy: Buttering your muffin, eh?
Chris: Yeah, don’t you masturbate in the airport?
Mulloy: We just call it something different round here
Chris: Goring your useless body? Speaking of buttering my muffin, next was a Dana Brooke vignette. Thoughts?
Mulloy: I’m sure Vince has been buttering his muffin to her considering she’s the female version of who he sees in the mirror, but I dunno, I’m of the opinion you should hire wrestlers to wrestle. Like she’s strong. That’s great. Are they gonna hire (lady who is fast? i dunno Lolo Jones? nobody wants that virgin on their screen)? Just hire wrestlers to wrestle. I like watching girls like Bayley and Sasha because they look like they actually love what they’re doing. I never saw that in someone like Kaitlyn for instance.
I went to school with a lot of girls that were fitness model and it always weirded me out and it’s weird and it’s gross and keep it away from me. Your head shouldn’t be 20 shades lighter than your body, that’s not ok!
Chris: She’s like the female Narcissist. I just called a woman the female Lex Luger. We better move on. The second match of the night was Bayley squaring off against Emma. Here’s one thing I love about NXT — acknowledge of the fans in attendance. I’m not saying that the announcers on Raw or Smackdown need to interact but at the opening of the match, in a quiet moment, you could clearly hear a guy in crowd yell “I love you bubbles” and the announcers acknowledge “yes, that just happened.”
Mulloy: That’s the difference between an NXT crowd and a crowd like this week on Raw. The NXT crowd is fun, organic and never feels forced. And they’re all about putting the talent over. That crowd on Raw Monday should be ashamed of themselves. Everyone makes a big god damn to do about the crowd the night after Mania. They’re douches. They’re a bunch of god damn piss pant marks that care about putting themselves over. Making it about them. Everyone of them should have been beaten about the head with a lifesize replica of Batista’s dick as they filed out of the building.
That stuff they did during the divas match, how fucking dare you? It was bad enough when you were only chanting CM Punk at AJ, but how dare you basically sexually harass a bunch of girls while they’re at their job like that? What gives you that right? Your price of admission? Grow up. Stop making it about you and enjoy the god damn show.
Now someone hold my hand and lead me off this soap box.
Chris: That brings me to a point I wanted to make about Bayley. I’m scared for her future. Not for her wrestling future but how the hug gimmick might follow her for the rest of her life. The last thing I want is Bayley having to hug every disgusting wrestling fan from now until eternity. Lines of pervs at wrestling conventions paying just to squeeze her. I hope she turns mental and likes to give out stabs to the liver.
Mulloy: Honestly, I think Bayley will do this for 2-3 years and then go on a really good heel run because of it. She’s a really good wrestler, and she’s found a way to connect to the crowd by being (at least what appears to be) herself. Isn’t that basically Daniel Bryan?
Chris: Yes. I see the similarities. One quick complaint about Divas matches, on NXT and the main roster, can we stop with the constant pin attempts? Emma did a leg sweep and pin attempt a minute into a match that involved mostly pantomiming from the start.
Mulloy: Gonna have to agree to disagree on that. I want like 100 pin attempts a match. Just one rolling, never ending pin attempt.
Chris: OK that I’d watch. I’d butter my muffin to that actually. How come every time I allude to masturbating, the next segment is a Diva?
Mulloy: I mean you did mention it after Rhyno to be fair. We’re finding a balance.
Chris: Fair. Becky Lynch. She says it’s “N Becks T” now. I’m going to need to check that spelling.
Mulloy: I was never a strong speller. She could be right. I really like her. I love how these women are getting us to invest in them as people without having to be over the topic gimmicks
Chris: I agree but my fear is “show too much personality, end up on Total Divas.”
Mulloy: It doesn’t seem to be hurting Paige. I think going forward, the WWE is going to find their fans are more interested in wrestlers that are relatable rather than outrageous.
Chris: Let’s talk about the tag match between the Lucha Dragons and Blake and Murphy. Lucha Dragons are one of those rare times when I love doing the “lucha lucha” arm points but don’t really care about the team. I’ll do the lucha chant in line for bagels, it’s so damn catchy.
Mulloy: It is catchy. I think Sin Cara needs to be killed off. Why do they think this character has value? Like Hunico could be something else because this gimmick has too many bad memories attached to it.
Chris: How about Blake and Murphy?
Mulloy: I’m not really interested in them yet, but that could change. They’re starting to figure out what they’re doing now with Enzo and Cass, because for a while there, the shit with Carmella just wasn’t making sense and the fans hated her. But I think the stuff with the five of them is something at least. There really haven’t been many angles on NXT that weren’t over something other than winning. Strange how I don’t get bored of angles where winning is important. I didn’t even notice that I missed tim-foolery like this.
Chris: I’ve never liked tag teams without a name like _____ & _____. I’ve always hated that.
Mulloy: Edge and Christian?
Chris: They MIGHT be the only exception. I also hate Blake and Murphy’s music. It reminds me of the Key & Peele skit where they break everything in the apartment when dubstep comes on. Blake and Murphy show up and I want to smash stuff in my house.
Mulloy: Oh, they have a name. They’re the Dubstep Cowboys. Right?
Chris: Is that officially recognized? Maybe they’re waiting on the trademark.They’re fighting some kid in Omaha for the .com. They’re announced as Blake and Murphy. Mommy call ‘em Blake and Murphy, Imma call ’em Blake and Murphy until I’m told otherwise by an official WWE email.
Next was Jason Jordan and Tye Dillenger. If a tag team breaks up, and no one cared about it to begin with, does it make a sound?
Mulloy: Yeah, this is a rare drop of the ball by NXT in regards to the tag team division and story telling in general. Send them away for a bit, figure out something different.
Chris: This brings us to our main event. I match I was particularly looking forward to because these guys worked against one another at the San Jose show and put on a show.
Corey Graves had kind of a backhanded compliment that I wanted to address — he said that Tyler Breeze has been in NXT a long time and the other competitors “know what he’s all about.” I’m not sure you’re really putting a guy over by saying “he’s been in developmental quite a while.” No one puts over major league players by going “wow, what an extensive minor league career!”
Mulloy: That’s fair, which is a shame, because I think the main roster could use someone like Breeze. Most of the heels on the main roster aside from Rusev and Rollins are kinda dull.
Chris: Here’s an idea, just throwing it out…
Mulloy: If you’re going to say Breeze should be called to the main roster as a guy that’s constantly smoking an E-cig, I’m 100% behind it…
Chris…even though I hate playing fantasy booker — Bryan and Cena go on long runs with the title. Eventually someone (The Authority?) decides there can only be one and they have a unifying match. I don’t give a shit who wins but let’s unify that belt. And then there’s a new title. Not cruiserweight. I hate that shit name.
Mulloy: I’m a big fan of keeping them separate. Especially now that you have two important guys holding each title. Keep Cena and Bryan away from each other until you need them to wrestle each other because you have no other options. How about a Junior Heavyweight title? That works for NJPW.
Chris: But that’s got a legacy. Unify the titles but create super super important and then have guys like Breeze going after it. Look at the way they treat Bryan. He couldn’t be MORE OVER and they still don’t want to give him a title based on size.
Mulloy: If you’re going to do away with the US title, I only want it to be for a Light/Junior Heavyweight division. Think of how dope a roster of guys < 220 the WWE has right now. Plus, you build a title by having important people hold it. The Intercontential title matters because people like Savage and Steamboat held it, not because the title itself is important. Hell the title is built on a lie, Pat Patterson never wrestled in Brazil. Titles are just props. The reason they don’t feel important is because winning and losing in the WWE doesn’t matter right now.
Chris: So make it important with ONE MIDDLE TITLE Wow, we’re really ignoring a great match. This was my fault. I like belts too much. I own several in both leather and rope.
Mulloy: Well, i’m in favor of a brand split, so maybe that’s why I want keep both titles.
Chris: Oh don’t get me started on that! (cue sitcom laughter) Alright, so Breeze and Itami. Final thoughts? Even though we gave zero thoughts already.
Mulloy: Great match, I love 2/3 falls matches. I dunno why they aren’t happening more often. That used to be the gold standard of a blow off match. I think Breeze is good and I hope they find something for him on the main roster, cuz I dunno how much shelf life a Zoolander gimmick has in 2015 the year of our Lord. I like Itami, but what do you do with him on the main roster now? Like I said, winning and losing don’t matter on the main roster, so how do you build up the fact that this guy is supposed to matter?
Chris: He needs to either debut with a major win or get aligned with someone with tremendous heat.
Mulloy: I honestly think they made a massive mistake not having Balor win that tournament and then winning the Andre The Giant memorial battle royal. What does Big Show gain from winning this?
Chris: At least three more years of Big Show in main events. Now I’m depressed. We better wrap this up.
Mulloy: Fucking hell. I hope someone burns that “iron clad contract.” I need to chase some sleeping pills with Draino after thinking about how the story of the 2032 Royal Rumble is that nobody can pick up the Big Show.
WWE NXT RESULTS
Rhyno defeated local talent
Bayley defeated Emma
Blake and Murphy defeated Lucha Dragons
Jason Jordan defeated Tye Dillenger
Tyler Breeze defeated Hideo Itami two out of three falls
Mike Mulloy is a stand up comic and bad speller. He’ll be performing this week at Laugh Boston. Follow him on Twitter and check out his podcast. Chris Illuminati is a senior editor with BroBible. Follow him here.