Ahhh, it’s that time of year again. Some like to call it “sweatshirt season,” others prefer “fall” or “autumn.” I like to call it “Ugg, leggings, North Face, and pumpkin-spice latte season.” When we were all little kids we looked forward to getting a cool Halloween costume to get candy, and now we look for a cool costume to get drunk and laid in. Back when we were six years old there was always that one kid who needed to be the only one with the Silver Power Ranger costume equipped with blinking lights and a speaker that spat out hardly-audible Power Ranger phrases. To others, however, finding a Halloween costume was never something to break a sweat over.
Whatever kind of costume you choose says something about who you are, says something of the kind of “Halloween-er” you have deep, deep inside of you.
Let me break it down for you. We’ll start with GUYS:
Togas, Anything with your shirt off, anything liquor or drug related
These kinds of costumes are very common. These are your typical BRO costumes. These people very possibly could be in a frat. They are probably funny, possibly loud, and could be obnoxious. I mean, whenever I have a chance to take my shirt off and run around in a toga with my balls hanging out, I do it. Costumes could range from a super hero such as “Beer Man” or “Jose Cuervo” to simply wearing a beer helmet. You are here to party and fuck shit up and everybody knows it. Since these bros get so fucked up there is a chance that he will either wake up next to a chick, in a bush, or in a pool of his own piss and puke. Or all three.
Lumberjack
This says “I have a flannel and I intend to wear it tonight.”
Sheet over your head with eyes cut out, a simple mustache, Hawaiian shirt etc.
This is what I like to call your last minute kind of Halloweener. He doesn’t really give a fuck what his costume is, doesn’t put much thought into it. He’s at the party to get fucked up, and obviously his endgame is to get laid. Not giving a fuck is what makes him cool. You know he’s laid back and if his simple costume makes you laugh then he’s probably funny and clever.
Walter White and Jesse Pinkman, Super Mario Brothers, matching outfits etc.
The Breaking Bad costumes were cool for one year but that’s it. I’ve been seeing them for three fucking years now and I’ll be damned if this is my fourth. Doing these matching outfits are played out and it means you wanted to do something cool with your buddies, but don’t have the brain power to think of something outside of the box. If you end up in the “bad matching outfit” category, you’ll probably end up sleeping alone or with each other that night.
Now onto my favorite opposite sex, GIRLS:
Princess, ballerina, anything from Disney, lots of pink
From my experience these are your stuck up, I’m-too-good-for-you type of chicks. It would be a true rookie move to spend any more than ten minutes with one of these girls because they are often giant cockblocks. Best case scenario is that you end up getting her number and nothing else. You’d have a better chance going to Disney World and sleeping with Walt Disney than one of these chicks.
Costumes with short skirts, “sexy maid”, “sexy nurse” etc.
These have been around since the beginning of time and simply just aren’t original. It’s too bad, because if you go to a Halloween store these are the vast majority of costumes they sell for women. These girls will most likely drink too much too fast and then pass out somewhere she doesn’t belong after turning down every guy who talks to her because “she’s not that type of girl.”
Cat makeup, with cat ears, dressed in all black
You might as well be holding a sign that says, “I AM A BASIC BITCH.” Every Halloween party I go to I see about 20 cats, like damn is this the Petco or a party? These chicks might as well have on their Uggs and leggings and pumpkin spice lattes with them… oh wait! They probably do, because leggings and Uggs often complete this costume. Thumbs down, this is your Basic Bitch Costume.
Homemade Vitamin Water bottle dresses, iPod Dresses, candy bar dresses etc.
I’ve seen these and I think they are really clever and still sexy. It’s something girls can do in a group of any number. The dresses are made from rainbows of different colored duct tape to achieve the color of the product they are going for. For example, a group of girls could all go out as different flavors of Burnett’s Vodka, made with different colored tapes and the use of Sharpies. This costume idea is out of the box, pretty original, and looks good. These are your likeable girls, the girls you go out to parties with, and maybe even the girls you date. Judging by their homemade costumes they are outgoing, fun and smart.
And there you have it. Keep a look out for these people at Halloween parties you attend and note the associated personal characteristics. A final word from all this is to keep the costumes funny, clever, simple and original as you can. Don’t be the kid who takes his costume way too seriously and goes with a face full of creepy clown make up… that was me a few years ago, guilty as charged. Despite warnings from my friends that this was a bad idea, I went ahead with the costume anyway because I always wanted to rock the creepy clown look to a party. No one knew who I was, and I put way too much time into something that scared away every girl. Out of the few girls that weren’t scared away, none wanted to lay a kiss on a dude slathered in makeup. I did, however do a fantastic job on the killer clown look, but learned the hard way to adhere to the above guidelines.