The College Finals Schedule for Every Bro
4:01 am: Set the alarm for 7 30, cause there’s still those three chapters to go over before the exam.
7:30 am: Nah.
8:15 am: Good one.
9:00 am: Wake up. Briefly contemplate going over those chapters, but with this little time prior to the test, fuck it.
9:01am: Because you just got to say the words “fuck it,” you instantly accrue more confidence than you would’ve had you done that extra studying.
9:35 am: Egg sandwich at the deli. The ketchup brings you back to 2am. Chewing is difficult. Eating only makes you more starving. Your boy behind the counter, Ernesto, secretly gloats at all the overprivileged college kid disdain. Slow clap for Ernesto.
9:50 am: Milling around outside the classroom. A flannel-clad manchild in hipster/bro purgatory curls up against the wall, obsessing over an outline. Two girls who enjoy nothing more than hearing themselves talk drop endless “do you think _____ will be on the test?” vocal assaults, each with increasing volume escalation. Their high-strung friend joins in, discussing how “she’s totally going to bomb.” She’s set the curve for the past three tests, and you continue to be astounded at how idiotic smart people tend to be.
10:06 am: You have no idea how to answer at least 60% of these questions. Everyone’s face looks like they just learned McDonalds will no longer be serving breakfast,* so you get the sense you’re not alone in this.
10:09am: The overly loud clicking of the Professor’s pen indicates victory is his. For a moment, you feel a gush a sympathy- dealing with a bunch of morons who actually think they’re getting away with pretending to do the reading has got to be pretty mentally and emotionally taxing.
10:47 am: The tried and true combination of impromptu brilliance and actually thinking has finally kicked in. You’re slowly working your way through the the test, peppering it with the sort of pseudo buzzwords that'll ensure you partial credit galore. Remarkably, a B+ doesn’t seem too far-fetched.
11:42 am: Important to time your exit with that girl you’ve had eyes for the whole semester, but never really got a chance to talk to…since she’s an “I met her in class” type, you knew from the beginning that being too aggressive would mean losing out altogether. Important to share your sentiments about the test, and be sure to discuss the exam's most polarizing question–this will thrust her into a genuine, spontaneous moment, where she’ll have no choice but to temporarily let her guard down. Her honesty might feel like vulnerability, which will do wonders for you if you happen to run into her during the semester’s final throwdown. Or, better yet, the beginning of next year. Milk that moment for all its worth.
12:15 pm: One of your roommates will have cracked open a lukewarm Natty, which has for some reason been universally acknowledged as the defacto reward for finishing finals. You retreat to your room and pass out.
2:30 pm: You wake up sweating. This has something to do with the landlord pretending to have never heard of the recent invention of air conditioning, but also has something to do with the good old college lifestyle. The body just crumbling out from under you, but the destruction feels good. Spring Break foreva.
2:50 pm: There are many people in this world who don’t have the opportunity to take a shower. Hah.
2:51 pm: Briefly attempt to trace it was exactly that you turned into a terrible, heartless person.
2:52 pm: Immediately recall the reason why. Why happens to be a “she.”
2:53-2:58 pm: Mentally reminisce about the girls you’ve been with, and those who you want to…
2:59 pm: *Lock bedroom door*
3:45 pm: A solid half hour of doing absolutely nothing. You deserve it.
4:15 pm: A game of FIFA, because no, you really do deserve it.
4:45 pm: Turned into two games, turned into a best of three. Your roommate spends the entire time bragging about how awesome it is that he’s “done,” and what he’s going to do for the two weeks in between school and “the floodgates of hell.” This is his poor attempt to downplay/pretend like he’s bitter about getting a prestigious finance internship that will pay him 10K for the summer.
5:30 pm: The library, but bogged down by running into people you’re “hey, what’s up” level with. Since its finals time, you are forced to talk about “how many you have left,” or “when you’re heading out.” Be sure to compliment your verbal deliveries with strategically placed sighs.
6:24 pm: Time spent thinking of/properly phrasing/meticulously reading over a clever tweet and/or Facebook status
6:39 pm: Begin to open up necessary study documents, but really just compulsively check your social media update.
7:28 pm: Realize that you have so much work to do. No, like so much. No, like you don’t even know how much.
7:49 pm: Time spent computing how badly you can afford to do on this test without completely devastating your GPA
7:56 pm: If we’re gonna be studying for this long, we are going to need to get some coffee.
8:08 pm: Time spent #waitingforcoffee. The people working there make you realize why bands like Phoenix and Vampire weekend will never cease to headline culturally relevant but ultimately pointless music festivals. You can’t wait for 2029, when all of this is made fun of with the ruthlessness that jean shorts are currently enduring.
8:49 pm: Progress has been made. A shit ton more than you though, actually. This is cause for celebration. Celebration comes in the form of a “Chipotes?” text.
8:50 pm:“Hell yizzle,” you may say, though that’s followed by a brief flash of panic–does Chipotle close at 9? I think it closes at 9.
9:04 pm: After being informed that “it closes at 10, you noob,” you thank the Lord Hispanic Pronunciation of Jesus by going to town on your burrito. Gauc included. Important to note that you briefly contemplated switching it up and going for the Barbacoa, but ultimately decide its way too risky.
9:59 pm: Way too full to go right back to studying. FIFA it is.
10:47 pm: Say the words “I really shouldn’t be doing this right now, I’m gonna be pretty fucked for tomorrow” 12-16 times. After the 15th time, it is acceptable to finish up FIFA (NHL is an valid substitute) to go to your room and gather your things for the second library sesh.
10:54 pm: But first, *Lock bedroom door*
11:39 pm: Work is being done, aided in part by listening to that pretty cool college DJ mashup star you just discovered. You briefly dream up a hypothetical about partying with this guy, but then remember that since he’s also a kid in college, there’s an 100% chance he’s either really awkward or a giant tool.
12:05 am: Pointless social media time. Maybe respond to an email from a high school friend “catching up.” You are proud of how impressive and well-written and hilarious it was, so decide to honor its genius by rereading it 5-6 times.
12:45 am: Pointless social media time cedes to discovering a really awesome blog, web series, or undiscovered corner of the internet that needs to be thoroughly exhausted at this exact moment, because at the end of the day who really gives a shit about getting a B minus. This not only provides you great entertainment, but sparks a burning idea that will ultimately result in what you’ll actually do for the rest of your life.
1:30 am: Still inspired, but for some reason can’t translate the excitement into studying for the test material. Instead, you’ll create a google doc about your awesome new business idea. Everyone else around you looks completely miserable, studying like it’s the end of the world. You inwardly shame them, wondering why college is such a contradiction–the only way you gain perspective is by taking a step outside the system. This further affirms your long-standing theory that The Wire (or, insert your preferred 21st century critically-acclaimed television series here) can explain everything that is happening in the world right now.
2:15 am: Watch YouTube clips of said show, because you’ve learned more from that than you ever will from this test.
2:45 am: Realize that you have to do at least a little bit of work. Perfunctorily go over a bunch of notes you once took, breeze through the slides, but spend most of the time taking solace in the fact that you always somehow manage to pull it off.
3:30 am: Second guess yourself, read the same paragraph over 33 times, and fail to actually read it once. Though since nobody speaks like that anymore, so you don’t feel too badly.
4:15 am: Fresh air is needed. Emerge from the library and run into an acquaintance smoking outside. He’s with his trademark “people who smoke outside the library at 4:15am” contingent, a group who you’ve always secretly wanted to hang out with. The combination of late-night delirium, really wanting to talk about doing drugs, and the presence of your friend leads to a 45 minute conversation about the sustainability of alternative spice manufacturing in Morocco, and how its the perfect model for a watered-down version of capitalism. Given that this is really exciting shit that totally exists, each person is a bigger authority than the next.
5:00 am: Inspired and at peace, time to get some shut-eye before the last test. Giving a shit was very last semester.
8:45 am: The year’s final visit to Ernesto is a bit sad, but man does that guy know how to make a killer sammy. Slow Clap.