I don't care for steel-cut goatmeal and I certainly don't want any of your weird old-person muesli. I don't want Honey Bunches of Oats with Clusterf*cks or digestive system (g)Rape Nuts and I certainly don't want any plain heart-healthy Cheerios. Why? Because breakfast cereals are all about beginning the day with a startling bolt of sugar. What's your favorite breakfast cereal of all time?
Photo credit: Tasty cereal image by Shutterstock
I'm going to start off with this one because I know I'll get internet comment murdered if I don't include it. It's not cereal, it's just cookies. Which is fucking awesome. Moving on...
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24-20 Rice Krispies/Kix/Crispix/Corn Flakes/Corn Chex
These guys are all in the same category because while crunchy, distinctive tasting and delicious, you had to add some sugar (or as the excess calorie-concerned heavyweight I used to be, a packet of Equal) in order for them to be meal-worthy.
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19-17 Froot Loops/Trix/Fruity Pebbles
Let's go ahead and lump these bad boys together because they fulfill the "mixed sugar fruit" portion of the breakfast cereal nutritional pyramid. Best part of these? The way your boring old milk transformed right before your eyes from white into drug-induced hippie color explosion fluid.
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Sure, the leprechaun was an asshole, but his cereal was superb. And as with any marshmallow-based cereal, it would have been a throwaway without them. But all the stars, rainbows, hearts, balloons, muzzles, syringes, piano wire and whatever other marshmallow shapes they threw in there made this worth the fact that the marshmallows were crunchy instead of soft.
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I don't give a sweet damn if those kids on the commercials kept telling us that these didn't taste like apples. They totally did, and they were great.
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Why would anyone eat Life cereal, when Cinnamon Life cereal is not only available, but stocked right next to it on the grocery store shelf? The only problem with this cereal is just as in real life, you'd better get to it quickly or it’s going to get really soggy, really quick. Okay, maybe that isn’t the best metaphor for life…
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Tony the Tiger has diabetes now (according to one of the more coherent dreams I had recently), but wasn't it worth it?
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12-11 Cocoa Pebbles/Cocoa Puffs
I defy you to explain to me how these are actually different from one another. However, if you defy my defiance, I'd be delighted to hear.
A) Which one produces a better quality chocolate milk ?
B) Which one has a finer cocoa taste overall?
Because although they're unquestionably delicious, to me they're basically the same.
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This was outstanding because it tasted like waffles, syrup and butter. There isn't a lot more you could ask for. And I don't want to hear anything about, Why was there no Pancake Crisp?, or some shit. It just wouldn't have worked the same.
Photo credit: Post Foods
9-5 Honeycomb/Honey Nut Cheerios/Golden Grahams/Corn Pops/Golden Crisp
These all get considered together, because although they took on a variety of shapes, textures, crunch psi’s and hues of brown and/or yellow, they all had the unifying theme of honey to tie them together. However, if I had to give an award to each one it’d go like this.
Best mascot: Honeycomb (that little brown devil could eat!)
Best crunch: Corn Pops
Best milk adherence: Golden Grahams
Best faux healthy appeal: Golden Crisp (because it was puffed wheat)
Best overall: Honey Nut Cheerios
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4-3 Cap'n Crunch/Peanut Butter Crunch
O Captain! My Captain: You were too fat and old to swash buckle with the likes of Hook, Sparrow, Morgan or Roberts, but you did make some damn good breakfast grub.
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You don't ever create a breakfast cereal list without including Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Those three weird elderly chef mascots knew exactly what they were doing when they made this crunchy breakfast magic happen.
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Reese's Puffs was all about saying, "Fuck you" to nutrition and "Fuck me" to childhood diabetes. If you have any question about the validity of this beauteous consummation of chocolate and peanut butter, then you've come to the wrong list.
Photo credit: yaybiscuits 123, Flickr
(Previously published on April 12, 2013.)