With Memorial Day Weekend just on the horizon it’s important to warn the Internet at large of the potential dangers in warm-weather binge-drinking following a winter (albeit mild one) of hibernation. While I completely understand that most people consider these next few days their debut in a summer of debauchery, do you really want to set that sort of precedent? Wouldn’t you much rather wait until August to disappoint your mother and bring shame to the family name? No? Alright, fair. Do what you want. Drink as much as you’d like, huff paint, blow coke off a cop car, whatever, but at the very least be cautious of your sexual behavior.
I get that the aforementioned activities aren’t exactly conducive for making solid decisions, but perhaps if I lay out some of the groundwork for you, somewhere in the back of your debilitated brain you’ll say, “I shouldn’t do this because I vaguely remember reading a BroBible article warning me not to.” Yes, I realize how ridiculous that sounds, a girl can dream though.
It’s a bit shitty of me to sit here and list 10 different women I suggest you avoid this weekend, but in the same respect, it would be shitty of me NOT to. If nothing else, I’m really just making you aware of some red flags that you’ve otherwise ignored in the past. I can sure as shit write the reversal of this article and make it directed toward men, but Cosmo hasn’t exactly come knocking at my door.
Your Ex
I get it, some of you are back from college and don’t see any harm in rekindling things with your former beau. Well, to be clear, you’re wrong (like, really fucking wrong). Don’t get sucked back into all of that high school melodrama bullshit. Even if she’s the coolest chick in the world, there’s a reason you’re no longer together.
Your Ex’s College Friend
I feel after freshman year of college girls start to consider each other blood relatives, especially if they were roommates or in the same sorority and thusly they bring them to their hometowns all the fucking time. I mean personally, I see no harm in it, but I just happen to think that life in the real world (i.e. where you grew up) is so much different than college. Why do you want to mix that? In any event, just don’t touch any girl your ex brings home. I know this seems obvious, but again, copious amounts of alcohol and the pipe dream of a threesome may sway your moral compass.
No Glove, No Love
If you’re about to get with a girl and she doesn’t mention using a condom, stop what you’re doing. 1) This may be common practice for her and you’re exposing yourself to potential AIDS, or 2) She’s too drunk to ask for protection in which case what the fuck are you doing with a girl that incapacitated? Have a little tact, bro.
Snapchat Queen
I use Snapchat. I get the appeal. Really, I do. I won’t knock anyone for using the app, but holy shit are some people OBSESSED and that is even more apparent on weekends such as MDW. If you approach a girl you don’t know and she shoves her camera in your face within seconds and then subsequently starts asking for your opinion on which geotag to use, get to steppin.’
American Flag Bikini
Dare to be different fellas, go after someone wearing something a little less cliché! See where it takes you!
Drunk by 9 AM
I’m all for day drinking. In fact, I think that’s ½ of what makes MDW so much fun, but like with anything else in life, it’s all about moderation. The girl who is drunk by 9AM is undoubtedly the girl puking by noon. You don’t really need to be involved with that, do you? Unless of course you’re the dude drunk by 9AM in which case you two may very well make a lovely couple.
“But I’m definitely 18”
If you need to ask a girl how old she is perhaps you shouldn’t be talking to her to begin with. I understand the struggle guys, really I do. Teenage girls nowadays are so talented with the lip plumping and hair extensions that they resemble 25-year-olds more so than actual 25-year-olds do but it’s really not worth it because it’s a crime and what not.
“Summer Love”
I’m not saying that being in a relationship in the summertime is a bad thing. I’m just saying that maybe starting something the first weekend of summer isn’t the best idea. If you’re entering the season as a single guy, then be single for a little while. Enjoy it. Avoid the women mentioned above, have a good time, and “do you” as the youth would say. If you already have a girlfriend, then don’t heed any of the advice in this article….remember, nobody likes a cheating douchebag who ditches his significant other the second bikini seasons rolls around.