Twitter has become the pulse of pop culture, and that means that if you want to become a Successful Internet Person, you must have a successful Twitter account. But what does that mean, exactly? It’s not as simple as signing up for an account, tweeting about how your cat farted and watching the followers roll in. No, Twitter is littered with the accounts of people with single-digit followers, tweeting out zombie tweets. I mean, if a tweet falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it, did it really happen?
No. And that’s why if you really want to have a successful Twitter game, you must follow these nine steps. Will they also turn you into an irredeemable asshole? Probably. But that’s just Twitter, bros, and if you’re going to do it, you might as well do it right.
Come Up With The Perfect Handle, Avatar And Bio
Presentation is key, especially on Twitter, where how you choose to present yourself can mark you as someone who “gets it” or someone who’s doomed to spend their life as a sad Twitter egg. I suggest something flashy and ridiculous for the avatar, something shiny and annoying that will catch people’s attention. That is how the pros do it. Maybe a hologram Abraham Lincoln, only Lincoln is also naked? That should do it. For a name, go with something like @MonkeyBonerz69, which will mark you as sufficiently wacky and irreverent. Pair this with a bio that makes no fucking sense whatsoever, and you’re good to go.
Follow Everyone And Everything
Forget being funny, clever, creative, or anything that requires, you know, thought. The only true marker of Twitter success is your follower number, and the most efficient way to pump that bad boy up is to follow the entire world and wait for them to follow you back, which will happen because that’s what honorable Twitter people do. It’s in the Constitution.
Sure, this mean you end up following 10,000 people in order to get 2,000 followers and half of those are weird sex bots and 98% of the rest are corporate brands and fake celebrity accounts, but nobody needs to know that you only have 19 “real” followers. And hey, maybe @EmilyRatajkowskiii7 is really her!
Hashtag Everything
Look, the only way people will understand you are a serious person who #cares about the #issues, is if you hashtag everything. This will identify you as one of the #good ones, and allow like-minded #good #people to find you, follow you and create a Voltron of #Righteous Twittering, which is, as we all know, the true sign that your tweets #matter.
Embrace Weird Twitter
The quickest route to Twitter success is to make sure that all of your tweets – every single goddamn one – is shrouded in irony and inanity, revealing nothing of yourself while embracing a style of “humor” that marks you as a wild and crazy guy, a true comedy radical like that Jay Leno. No one will be able to resist your “unique” genius!
Tweet Pictures And Memes
Starved of creativity? Absent of actual insight? Still want those RTs? Well, then, do what the pros do and just post pictures you find on the internet. Spice it up with a good meme. Maybe Pepe the Feels Frog, or, better yet, Crying Jordan. The RT’s (that’s retweets for you ignorant wretches out there) will come rolling in, a Weird Twitter luminary might even mention you, and you will have something new to put on your resume. Your parents are very proud of you.
Engage With Brands
If you engage with a corporate account, they might even RT you! And as we all know, when that happens, you become ascended and are given special powers, and… wait, none of that happens? Are you sure?
Oh, well. But hey, if all else fails, you can still engage with corporate brands by tweeting them inane questions that make your 19 real followers laugh and prove that you are a clever, comedy genius who’s also sticking it to the corporate fat cats like that 19 year old intern running the Applebees account who isn’t sure if he can afford to eat the next day. You sure showed him!
Expose 5-Year-Old Tweets From Famous People That Could Be “Problematic”
If you really want to make it big, but don’t want to actually, you know, have any talents or don’t have interesting things to say yourself, I suggest digging through the histories of various minor celebs and/or anyone with a job, finding a mildly off-color joke they made to a friend half a decade ago and then shaming them and ruining their lives. Good times for everyone! They get to lose their jobs and have their lives ruined and you get to bask in the momentary attention and glory of being a goddamn snitch! You will have “exposed” them for the monsters that they are, for daring to be, ugh, human, and you will advance the cause of civility and social justice all at the same time. You will be a true #hero.
Never Stop Tweeting
No matter what you’re doing, no matter what you’re watching, live tweet that shit. Literally. Live tweet your bowel movements. MST3K the shit out of that, uh, shit. That way, all of your followers get to feel like they’re a part of it, they can make their jokes and pretty soon you’re not a bunch of lonely jackoffs with no filter making a pathetic attempt to engage with virtual people because real people can’t stand you. No! You’re a misunderstood genius who’s finally found your peer group. Now, you can all “enjoy” your favorite shows and activities together. Sure, one day your whole timeline may be subpoenaed as evidence of mental illness, but fuck all that, you’re good at Twitter!
Always Be On The Right Side
This is very crucial and is the most important thing when it comes to having a successful Twitter account. This is the difference between being a celebrated Twitter #icon and a pariah to be mocked and abused by Twitter champions everywhere. You must, no matter the circumstances, no matter the issue, be on the correct side. If this means ganging up on some poor asshole who made the mistake of tweeting something kinda awkward, and ruining his life, then so be it. It’s mob rule and you want to be the one holding the pitchfork, not the one being prodded up onto the gallows.
Sure, eventually you’ll disagree with the mob, but you must be careful to never, ever show it. Never reveal what you really think, because that sort of individuality of thought is a cardinal sin on Twitter. The last thing you want people to think is that you have a nuanced stance on a topic when there is poop to be thrown. There’s no room for that kind of nonsense here.
Embrace the mob, seek out all those who preach disgusting things like “moderation” or “civility” and then destroy them. Look, you can either be a good person and be shitty at Twitter, or you can be a #good person and completely conquer Twitter. It’s up to you.
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