Before this job, I worked for a multifamily lobbying firm in D.C. It was a conglomerate of apartment owners, developers, and managers, and the obsession at my time there was how to attract millennial renters.
The across-the-board conclusion was that millennial renters wanted perks, and that’s why, years later, you are now seeing apartment buildings that have movie theaters, dog parks, rooftop gardens, concierge services, and the what not in them. All the kinds of shit that old people think make millennials happy.
To be honest, that’s all kind of window dressing. It’s nice, yea, that you can get a decent coffee in the lobby of your building, but is that really all that important to millennials?
Nah. But there are perks we do love. Like the knowledge that there are some hookers right around the corner from where you live.
That’s the note one of our readers came home to. How can you top that? Who wants grills when you can have girls.
The letter he received reads:
NOTIFYING OUR NEIGHBORHOOD ABOUT A WHOREHOUSE INSTALLED IN OUR STREET:
Dear Neighbor,
I have been notified about a fraudulent and illegal prostitution business that has been installed in the back rooms of the house of REDACTED, Fort Lauderdale, FL, 33304. The business is being handled by a couple who lives in the front of the house. As a neighbor who lives in this street, I am concerned about our neighborhood. Besides, having invested in our homes we have to protect our families and children, I think we must keep our eyes open to this kind of people. These actions may devalue the prestige of our neighborhood.
We investigated a little about this residence and found out that the people who live at this moment are only renting. They don’t understand or care about the value of our homes. We have schools, a library, church, and parks around our street. We cannot permit this illegal business in our street.
Please I am requesting that you notify all neighbors about this situation in our community.
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.
Man. Why would you want to tell all the neighbors about it? So you can have lines out the wazoo? Fuck no.
If this were me, I’d keep that shit a secret. The best little whorehouse in all my neighborhood.
And yes, if you are wondering if this sounds exactly like the plot of The Simpsons’ classic episode Bart After Dark, you are right.
We’ve asked our reader to investigate and report back.