‘The Daily Show’ Just Ripped Our Favorite Facebook Provocateur Tomi Lahren A New One

By 09.23.16

I have something to get off my chest. By all means, watch and enjoy the video above. But on that note, I’m going to rant…

2004 was an election year between George W. Bush and John Kerry. It was my freshman year of college. I was 19. It was the year I gave the most fucks about politics in my 30 years on the planet, mostly because 9/11 was still fresh and the Iraqi War — of which many of my high school friends were serving military commitments to — was still a big political ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  under George W. Bush. I cared, goddamnit.

That year was also the same year Jon Stewart released a wonderful book project called America: The Book featuring a spread of Supreme Court Justices naked as shit dead center in the middle of the book. That’s about the only thing I remember from the book, besides Stephen Colbert’s hilarious hatred for Warren G. Harding (“fuck him”). It was a hilarious, primitive Photoshop piece of art that was both a cultural critique and partially embarassing given the various sizes of genitalia. God bless Antonin Scalia immortal soul (RIP!), but once you see a visualization of his dick you don’t really look at the Supreme Court the same ever again.

You could never get away with such a stunt in 2016. Imagine the outrage! Morons on Twitter would call it nauseating and humorless.

We have nothing like that in 2016. Instead, in an election year, you have pundits who hate fun like Tomi Lahren screaming on Facebook to an audience of millions about “disrespect” or some bullshit without ever having a chuckle. The poor girl’s blood pressure must be through the roof with all that perpetual lack of chill.

I’ll be straight — I think this is terrible for America. We’ve lost our sense of humor about EVERYTHING. That’s what sucks about social media and the ways the world has changed — everyone is offended, no one is self-aware, and having a sense of humor is frowned on to the point of being considered criminal. Just look at the popularity of Tomi Lahren’s syphilis-inducing rants. Millions of people watch them and say “it’s so nice to have a member of the younger millennial generation think like us old people!

 

No. Fuck that. She speaks for no one rational ages 18 – 40. And you’re a fool if you think she’s some sort of biblically-anointed mouthpiece for the millennial generation just because (A. Glenn Beck’s website The Blaaze gave her a built-in audience of rage-baiters and (B. “DAMN GIRL… THOSE BLONDE HIGHLIGHTS HAVE TO BE EASILY $300 A MONTH.”)

Her “celebrity” on social media is what I hate the world in 2016. The only thing that’s reassuring, as you can see in a Trevor Noah Daily Show video above, is that I’m not alone. In the video above, he ruthlessly mocks Tomi Lahren in the way she deserves to be mocked. You’re doing The Lord’s work for that, Bro.

And total side note — She couldn’t even answer my question if she was a Dallas Cowboys fan on Twitter a few weeks ago, probably suspecting I was fishing for yet another reason to hate her and her stupid, demeaning diatribes. It was a simple yes or no question! I’ll just have to assume she is a Cowboys fan, which lumps her into a category I keep for “worst people in America.”

You don’t have to believe the bullshit spewing out of your rants, Tomi. Sadly, I’m scared that you do, which makes you even more robotic. You just have to realize that (A. it’s bullshit about how life *actually* is on a human-to-human basis and (B. the media is oh-so-strategically full of it because that’s what drives eyeballs/dollars. That’s an absolutism that hasn’t changed for 40+ years and your rise in 2016 via Facebook Video isn’t exactly “special” even in the context of America’s great punditry wars.

Fuck the Dallas Cowboys. And fuck anyone who thinks Tomi Lahren has something unique or interesting to say.

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