Dude Unanimously Acquitted Of Sex Crime Is Still Given A Sentence That Will Prevent Him From Getting Laid For Like, Ever

Having sex is hard enough. Convincing a girl that you don’t have human body parts in your fridge and don’t own a skin suit is a hurdle that has taken me close to 28 years to eclipse. But if a woman accepts the fact that I’m a 28-year-old skinny fat blogger who just got his first credit card and turns his undies inside out when they’re dirty, she’d surely put the kabosh on slapping skins if I had to notify police 24 hours before we get sexual.

And that’s the life of a 40-year-old British dude who, despite having any criminal convictions, has been slapped with a Sexual Risk Order (SRO) after he was acquitted of rape. SRO’s can be applied to anyone who the police believe are a sexual risk and do not require a conviction to impose.

The man, who cannot be identified in the media, self-admittedly has interest in sado-masochistic sex and used to visit a Fifty Shades Of Grey-style fetish club with an ex-partner, according to Yorkshire Post.

Per Yorkshire Post,

He had been accused of biting and scratching the complainant, but he said the scratching came during a massage, “post-coitally”, and there was no biting.

His history of S and M sex was brought up at the trial, including evidence from a doctor with whom he had discussed his past.

He claimed the doctor misunderstood what he was discussing, saying she was confused about what was just fantasy.

Police thought what he told the doctor was a confession.

The case was so cut-and-dry that the jury only took an hour and six minute to acquit the man. Despite clearing his name criminally, the Yorkshire Police will move to make the SRO permanent–a move that he calls “sour grapes.”

The man has opened up about how the perceived violation of human rights has put his relationships in shackles and declared that there are “no prospects for relationships at the moment.”

“It puts an end to your life. I had more freedom in prison.

The severity of the restrictions exceed what convicted criminals would get on a Sexual Offence Prevention Order.”

“Can you imagine, 24 hours before sex? Come on.”

He gave the example of chatting to a woman and saying: “There’s a nice French restaurant I’d like to take you to, but first the police are just going to come around for a little chat.”

He said the disclosure process to a potential partner would be “horrendous”, saying: “Knock, knock, knock, this is the police, (Mr X) is subject to a Sexual Risk Order and is considered to be potentially dangerous … Then they leave.”

Fuck, bro. I feel for you man. You might as well just chop your cock off. Having a dick right now is like having a Ferrari with no engine–all promise, no execution. Hope is a dangerous beast.

[h/t Yorkshire Police]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.