How To Not Look Drunk When You’re Actually Very Drunk

By 01.13.16
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Everybody loves drinking: it loosens you up, makes annoying people more tolerable, and pretty much enhances any social situation. But it’s hard to know when you’ve had enough. Sometimes that one extra drink can take you from smashed to trashed and you’re no longer the guy sharing a fun story about going to the beach — you’re the guy shouting that you can swim like a dolphin at a frightened bathroom line.

People don’t like that guy. Being aggressively drunk makes people uncomfortable. To avoid this, you could be responsible by staying hydrated and drinking less… or you could keep partying and use these tips to avoid looking drunk.

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Keep an even drunker friend with you.

This might seem silly, but as long as you have someone drunker with you, people’s judgment and shaming will avoid you and instead cling to that poor sap. Even if you’re drooling and slurring your words, you’ll look dignified as long as your drunker companion is shirtless singing “Who Let the Dogs Out.” If you begin to sober up as the night progresses, feel free to exchange your drunk friend for a less drunk friend and, if you meet someone to fornicate with, feel free leave your current drunk friend in a ditch.

Dress like Charlie Chaplin

This move will mask all of your stumbling and fumbling, making it look like carefully crafted theater. Now when you face-plant or knock over glasses, people will applaud and think you’re just a committed entertainer. You can speak complete gibberish, drink a stranger’s drinks and repeatedly fall; the only thing you can’t do is vomit. Vomming will completely destroy the illusion you’ve created and ruin your vintage period clothing.


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