Here’s Some Of The Weird Shit You Can Do When You’re Snowed In –Because It’s Exactly What I Did

by 3 years ago
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So, I live in Boston. If you haven’t been paying attention, Boston got hit with close to 100 inches of snow over the last three weeks and shit has been rough. Punxsutawney Phil took out his groundhog dick and fucked us. Meteorologists have more or less told everyone to hug their families and wait patiently for the slow release of death. Out of respect for our presumed demise, most companies (including mine) let employees “work from home” the last few days while the city rises from its icy grave.

As we all know, “work from home” is merely a suggestion. An idea, if you will. With that said, I haven’t been very productive in any facet of life recently. I’ve been trapped in my apartment for five straight days and fully accepted the fact that I am dealing with the early stages of insanity. I bit into a mango today just to see if my teeth were strong enough to pierce the skin. They weren’t.  Here’s my story:

1)      Bit a mango for no fucking reason 

Just alluded to this, but the mango might have been rock bottom. I own plenty of knives, but something inside of me was like “Stop being a bitch and bite the mango.” And, well, pride set in. Pro tip: don’t bite mangos, bros.

2)      Found my Gameboy Color and started playing Pokemon Red again 

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Yeah, I’m 27 and my purple Gameboy Color is still readily accessible – say something, yo. Regardless, Pokemon Red is still the GOAT. I forgot how many veiled life lessons were in that game. Pick Squirtle if you want everything in life handed to you, pick Charmander if you are blue-collar, scrappy, and like to work for what you get.

3)      Went down terrifying porn tangents

I quickly realized that porn is not the greatest thing to have at your disposal when it feels like you have unlimited time on your hands. One second, you’re just trying to evacuate some demons, the next, you’re on a Wikipedia page reading about carcinogens. At a certain point, you just stop clicking the “x” on random pop ups, cam girls, and “want a bigger penis?” ads and end up in the nether regions of the internet.

4)      Straight up bothered people 

Remember when you were on AIM back in the day and someone would hit you up and just say “Hey”? That person was horrible. Basically saying “I want to talk, but you 100% have to lead the entire conversation.” Well, I must have said “Hey” to 15 different people on GChat/Facebook Chat over the past few days just to experience basic human interaction. Had nothing to say in particular – I just wanted to put myself in position to receive a response.

5)      Tried to start a podcast 

Podcasting is the kale of 2015. If you’re not hurling your audio-based opinions at people via various forms of social media, are you even alive? I felt like it was time to throw my hat in the ring. I also found out that doing a podcast by yourself while on the brink of psychosis is not the best idea. But, as we all know, shooters gotta shoot. I’d consider the situation “ongoing” at best.

6)      Started taking SUPER long showers 

When you have nowhere to be and, frankly, no real reason to be clean, showers are a god damn party. Dipset, Michelle Branch, Fabolous, and even that wacky bitch JoJo all made an appearance on my “Cabin Fever We Takin’ A 45 Minute Shower N***aaaaaaa” playlist.  I should probably delete that immediately.

7)      Watched every episode of Broad City 

Heard good things, enjoyed what I saw, but there was absolutely NO reason for me to watch every single episode out of the blue like that. Shout to Abbi and Ilana, though.

8)      Did my taxes

Compiled my documents, setup a TurboTax account and got shit done because that was the responsible thing to do. I’m not a monster.

Real talk, if I spent two more days cooped up like that, I probably would have died or started huffing paint or something.

PS. I was drunk during most, if not all of this.


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