Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
EDITOR’S NOTE: I quit keeping track of these at the end of day July 3rd, because I’d rather celebrate America for four solid days than track silly celebs on Twitter all week. Still, they did not disappoint, even in this oh-so-slightly abbreviated version.
Photo credit: eldh, Flickr
Dear Mario, I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend… you owe me.
— Aubrey O'Day (@AubreyODay) July 1, 2013
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You’re not the only one, sister.
Jessica Simpson has already taught her son everything she knows.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 1, 2013
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And he will probably make millions of dollars.
i also give advice to justin bieber in my new podcast with @colinmeans. biebz needs to grow up. listen here http://t.co/i1SKwG6Guc
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) July 1, 2013
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It’s official: Every human on the planet now has a podcast.
Do not ask any 30 something office workers how Glastonbury was. Trust me. You don't have the time.
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) July 1, 2013
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Kind of like asking how Lollapalooza went over here.
Dance like nobody's watching, dress for the job you want, and fuck somebody inappropriate like Sally Draper's about to walk in on you.
— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) July 1, 2013
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Solid advice for life.
Lakers are putting up billboards to beg, I mean, recruit Dwight?! Then again, if anyone would stay or leave over a billboard, it's Dwight.
— Jim Rome (@jimrome) July 1, 2013
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True.
If my dress doesn't fit at some schmancy event and I use a bulldog clip on my back can everyone be cool about it?
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) July 1, 2013
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Yes.
Happy Canada Day, Canada! Thanks for putting up with all of the asshole Americans who threaten to move there during election time.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 1, 2013
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We sure do appreciate it.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you'll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) July 1, 2013
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Food for thought.
I know it's not the 4th quite yet but my bikini body is ready! Xoxo pic.twitter.com/PU1zwiqyxx
— Courtney Stodden (@CourtneyStodden) July 1, 2013
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USA! USA! USA!
Friends don't let friends wear wallet chains.
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) July 2, 2013
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No, they absolutely do not.
Remember the astronaut lady who drove to Florida wearing a diaper? That was so gangster. I wish NASA did more stuff like that.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 2, 2013
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That was gangster.
Got my thigh workout in today! (Hovered over a public toilet trying not to touch anything)
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) July 2, 2013
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You should make a DVD to share with other women.
Why must everything be so complicated?
— RuPaul (@RuPaul) July 2, 2013
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Seriously.
I'm that annoying friend who's in a good mood all the time.
— Melanie Iglesias (@MelanieIglesias) July 2, 2013
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That would really suck if you weren’t so damn sexy.
There is no better feeling on this good, green earth than having exact change.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) July 2, 2013
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I don’t know about that, but sure does feel good.
I want Beyonce to star in a rock opera set in space. She battles galactic monsters. I will direct. There will be glitter guns and jumpsuits.
— Gillian Jacobs (@GillianJacobs) July 2, 2013
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I’d watch that.
Justin Bieber eat asshole casserole
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) July 2, 2013
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Right on, Sheikie.
Having a bit of fun today. Big hair, minimal wardrobe! pic.twitter.com/6hwjBwFDN5
— LeAnn Rimes Cibrian (@leannrimes) July 2, 2013
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Finally she is using Twitter positively.
Look, we may never know whether "cracker" is worse than the N-word, so all this speculating is silly. Also, Chinese people steal.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) July 2, 2013
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Good point.
Southwest Airlines: Where appropriate adult behavior goes to die
— A.J. (@WWEAJLee) July 3, 2013
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What is it with them anyway?
Passengers clapping when my plane lands makes me almost wish we had crashed.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) July 3, 2013
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I’m feeling you, Jim, I’m feeling you.