Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Congratulations to Peyton Manning on narrowly beating the Pope for Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year.
— Jason Biggs (@JasonBiggs) December 16, 2013
I think Jason has his awards mixed up.
Note to self: don't ever take mucinex and NyQuil….. Effective yes…but scary very fuckin scary….
— Sessilee Lopez (@TheRealSessilee) December 16, 2013
Cricket is fucking ridiculous. This dude just foul tipped a grounder to the backstop and it counted as a run scored. #StrikeTwo
— Bill Burr (@billburr) December 16, 2013
No wonder we came up with our own game.
My problem is that I'm not good at the being awake part of life.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) December 16, 2013
Join the club, brotha.
— Hunter King (@HunterHaleyKing) December 16, 2013
Sorry about that.
Let's talk all day about a 7-7 team
— Kenny Mayne (@Kenny_Mayne) December 16, 2013
And we did!
All I want for Christmas are a bunch of water hoses around my house like the ship in Captain Phillips.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) December 16, 2013
My laziness just hit a low point. I'm too lazy to go upstairs and grab a Christmas card. So I'm using a Birthday one & changing words.
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) December 16, 2013
That’s no being lazy, that’s upsourcing!
Google is making battle robots? That sounds like an amazing idea that won't have any negative consequences whatsoever.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) December 16, 2013
Here we come Pacific Rim!
Jingle all the way to getting covered. http://t.co/dUIx3ZuZUb
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) December 16, 2013
When I go through airport security, do I have to put my Bitcoins in the tray?
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) December 16, 2013
Those magazine articles that say that celebrities are just like you? They are complete & utter fucking garbage bullshit lies. As if!
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 16, 2013
Seriously, who believes that?
If it turns out that Shia LaBoeuf is a James Franco project, I’ll have so much more respect for both of them.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) December 17, 2013
Oh, he’s a project all right.
I've seen some people so stressed out that they forget to enjoy the holidays. "Stop collaborate and listen"
— Vanilla Ice (@vanillaice) December 17, 2013
No he didn’t.
I'm going to plagiarize a tweet about Shia LaBeouf.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) December 17, 2013
Knock Shia LaBeouf all you want, but that dude can cut and paste with the best of 'em.
— Jason Biggs (@JasonBiggs) December 17, 2013
It is a skill not everyone has. Oh wait…
Now Megyn Kelly and Bill O'Reilly are claiming that Sammy Sosa is black. I don't know what to believe.
— Arsenio Hall (@ArsenioHall) December 17, 2013
They really need to stop with their lies.
When someone invents mind reading I'm gonna be totally screwed
— genevieve morton (@genevievemorton) December 17, 2013
Just imagine what it’ll do to the males in the room with you, Genevieve.
"Girl, you put the 'tuna' in 'unfortunate'." Is a pretty cool thing to say to a chick to get her not to fuck you.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) December 18, 2013
under the sheets catching up on life with my man… falling deeper in love with him every minute. Can someone please stop time?
— Aubrey O'Day (@AubreyODay) December 18, 2013
Keep tweeting while under the sheets and you won’t have “a man” much longer.
My favorite part in Desolation of Smaug is when Legolas says "Now that's a big ol' Hobbit dick!"
— Nate Fernald (@natefernald) December 18, 2013
I missed that part.
Pretty sure unsubscribing from one mailing list automatically subscribes you to two others.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) December 18, 2013
No doubt about it.
This season I am just looking for joy. Does anybody have her number?
— bob saget (@bobsaget) December 18, 2013
Joy to the world, amirite?
America, we must take our Xmas traditions seriously. Some people are hanging their stockings with barely any care at all!
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) December 19, 2013
Seriously, let’s step it up, folks.
Let's face it, thousands of years go, on this date, Mary complained about ankle swelling to a surprisingly unsympathetic Joseph.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) December 19, 2013
He was still trying to figure out how he got into that mess.
.@RondaRousey just told me Miesha Tate is "fake and terrible," "I know for a fact she's a bad person."
— Jim Rome (@jimrome) December 19, 2013
This fight can’t possibly end up as good as I’m hoping it will be.
Sarcasm works great on the internet.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) December 19, 2013
I see what you did there.
69 Boyz's "Tootsee Roll" on a continuous loop, pad thai cooking in the microwave, mesh half-tee because CHRISTMAS.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) December 20, 2013
Now I'm terrified that someone's going to ask one of those pawn shop guys his opinion on gentle ass play
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 19, 2013
Have a great weekend, everybody!