Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
How slow was that crawl by Angelina and Poitier?
— Lisa Lampanelli (@LisaLampanelli) March 3, 2014
They’re still making their way to the back as we speak.
#Oscars If Sidney Poirtier had been wearing Brad Pitt's fragrance, you couldn't have kept Angelina Jolie off of him.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) March 3, 2014
Opportunity missed for Sid.
Time Warner just cut out. I'm suing you fucks ITS THE OSCARS IT IS THE OSCARS
— Kat Dennings (@OfficialKat) March 3, 2014
This is me if the Super Bowl suddenly cut out.
It would great if you made Gravity but called it Toilet Penis and had to sincerely accept the award and be emotional.
— Nick Swardson (@NickSwardson) March 3, 2014
That would be great.
Ellen has given up, folks. #Oscar
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) March 3, 2014
She really did.
Your John Travolta name is any female pop star plus the name of your most recent cab driver.
— Alison Forns (@alisonforns) March 3, 2014
Try it, it works.
Jennifer Lawrence looks like she went tanning and left on those tiny goggles. #Oscars
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) March 3, 2014
Oooh, those are fightin’ words.
Mathew McConaughey has officially put his shirt back on!
— ashton kutcher (@aplusk) March 3, 2014
Alright, alright, alright.
Feeling bad for John Travolta this morning because, let's face it, reading IS kind of hard.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 3, 2014
Adele Dazim didn’t seem to mind.
If your name really is Adele Dazim, you're probably gonna have an annoying day.
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) March 3, 2014
How has no one come forth with that name yet?
My hero is Matthew McConaughey in 2063. All those robot limbs, regenerated tissue and positronic circuits, and he gets to live underwater.
— Seth MacFarlane (@SethMacFarlane) March 3, 2014
If you didn’t see his speech, just move along.
It's an absolute joke that White Chicks 2 still hasn't been made.
— Jim Rome (@jimrome) March 4, 2014
Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s in the pipeline.
"Ha" means "please stop texting me"
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) March 4, 2014
It really does.
Nothing makes me happier than waking up to a Golden Girls marathon.
— Elizabeth Gillies (@LizGillies) March 4, 2014
She is apparently very easily entertained.
— daniel tosh (@danieltosh) March 4, 2014
Look what you started, Ellen.
At this point I feel if you choose to take up residency in Gotham City you're just looking for unmeasurable amounts of trouble.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) March 4, 2014
Seriously, why do people live there?
Happy pancake day. Really? Pancakes have a day now? Thats pretty hoffsome!
— David Hasselhoff (@DavidHasselhoff) March 4, 2014
Yes, he really talks like that.
That awkward moment when Tim Thomas and Roberto Luongo are goalies for the same team now….
— Alyssa Campanella (@AlyssCampanella) March 4, 2014
Miss USA dropping some hockey knowledge.
Before I go to see the movie, I am re-reading the Bible to make sure that Noah doesn’t sing.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) March 4, 2014
Pretty sure you’re safe, Josh.
That CBS cleavage censorship of the BASKETBALL WIVES was Bullshit! It actually made the ladies appear more risqué than they were! It's 2014!
— Arsenio Hall (@ArsenioHall) March 5, 2014
Arsenio wants his damn cleavage!
I've fallen and I don't want to get up.
— Michael McKean (@MJMcKean) March 5, 2014
Right there with you, Michael.
Be careful with oblong shaped pills, when you drop them they bounce weirdly. And kill children well.
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) March 5, 2014
Yes, be careful out there, folks.
Just in case we go to war with Russia we should probably all re-watch "Rocky 4."
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) March 5, 2014
But I don’t wanna see Apollo die again!
My son yells, "Fuck," in frustration, frequently, while he does his homework. He's college bound, alright.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) March 6, 2014
That’s one key indicator.
If you have a bathtub & you don't use it to take some sweetass soaks then you are a grade A asshole
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) March 6, 2014
She seems pretty certain about this.
The word “puke” in Filipino means “vagina.” Either way, fingering your puke — not a good thing!
— Lisa Lampanelli (@LisaLampanelli) March 6, 2014
The more you know.
Don't know wht my parents r doing w this but I think they may be time traveling spies. pic.twitter.com/82MJvNaVRC
— Kathleen Madigan (@kathleenmadigan) March 6, 2014
What is that thing?
Heading to Austin today for SXSW and to also play my favorite game: "Homeless or Hipster?"
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) March 6, 2014
I love that game!
TV makes me believe that there isn't a garbage can in America that doesn't have a used burner phone in it.
— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) March 6, 2014
I’ve checked and they all actually do.
I woke up just before winning the argument in my dream. Fuck this day.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) March 6, 2014
We are all trending
— Kenny Mayne (@Kenny_Mayne) March 6, 2014
But which way?
I must have done something right in a past life, because email@example.com wants to be able to chat with me.
— Alison Forns (@alisonforns) March 6, 2014
And she still hasn’t responded to me.
Court rules it's not illegal for creeps to photograph your crotch under your skirt, without you knowing. Death knell for skirts and dresses.
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) March 6, 2014
AKA celebration day in my house!
— J.A. Adande (@jadande) March 7, 2014
If I want I could beat the fuck out of anybody on the American Idol
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) March 6, 2014
Have a great weekend, everybody!