Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Looks like mama is on the market for a new football team….
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) March 21, 2014
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Oh. And any mention of 'getting over dogfighting' is an automatic block. You do you, chickadees. #happyfriday
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) March 21, 2014
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She’s apparently not a fan of the Vick signing.
Well……I guess I'm canceling my Vogue subscription. Who is with me???
— Sarah Michelle (@RealSMG) March 21, 2014
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She’s apparently not a fan of the Kim Kardashian Vogue cover.
If Lady Gaga does "vomit art," my cats have been cutting edge performing artists for years.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) March 24, 2014
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They do put on a good show.
Swivel chairs are very inappropriate at funerals.
— Emile Hirsch (@EmileHirsch) March 24, 2014
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For the mourners or the deceased?
Putting away laundry nude just now & I was all "see? I don't even fuckin need you" to all my clothes
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 24, 2014
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Damn straight.
Now that my kids are getting older, I'm worried I'll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 24, 2014
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Better make a move now.
You know what they say…
Everyone's got two things: an opinion, and a website to put that opinion on.
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) March 24, 2014
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So true.
Do I really sound like Quagmire? #Giggity #giggity
— Doug Gottlieb (@GottliebShow) March 24, 2014
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Yes.
It still blows my mind that I'm at an age where if I got pregnant people would be happy for me. #Yikes #Babies
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) March 24, 2014
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NO. No more pregnancies this week.
Just talked with David Beckham for 20 minutes at baggage claim and he ensured I'll have a spot on the MLS team here in Miami.
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) March 24, 2014
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Please let this really happen.
The time you and your brother were wrestling in the kitchen and he accidentally slammed a steak knife into your thigh. ALLEGEDLY.
— Jim Rome (@jimrome) March 25, 2014
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I don’t think he’s buying Mike Williams’ story.
Harry Potter and the White Van of Secrets #RuinAChildrensBook @midnight
— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) March 25, 2014
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Can that be turned into a movie?
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship
— Amy Weber (@TherealAmyWeber) March 25, 2014
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I feel you, sister.
I'd be less disturbed finding a dozen hobo corpses in my dad's basement than I am by the amount of ANTIQUE ROAD SHOW episodes on his DVR.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 25, 2014
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That is disturbing.
My housekeeper just walked in on me while I was taking a shit in the nude. Yes, you heard that right- I HAVE A HOUSEKEEPER. #baller #pimp
— Jason Biggs (@JasonBiggs) March 25, 2014
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No way.
Hey could somebody somewhere please play that "Happy" song? I haven't heard it yet even once and I would like the opportunity to tire of it.
— Seth MacFarlane (@SethMacFarlane) March 25, 2014
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Yes, I haven’t wanted to kill myself yet today.
Hobby Lobby is a terrible name for anything. Makes me want to eat paste and give myself a paper cut.
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) March 25, 2014
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Now there’s a reason FOR birth control.
One day I will accidentally tweet a text meant for a friend, and you will all realize how vile I am. #secrets
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) March 25, 2014
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And we’ll still be fans.
BBC says there's a bat-eating ban to curb Ebola. I was ahead of the curve on this one.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) March 26, 2014
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Who eats bats? Europe?
I realize this is a ridiculous question but is Lindsay Lohan more Stephen Marbury, Wally Joyner or Stevie Francis if comparing career arcs?
— Richard Deitsch (@richarddeitsch) March 26, 2014
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I’m going with Marbury.
I've got a feeling that when I have to leap out of the way of a flaming explosion it won't go well for me
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 26, 2014
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You’ll never know til you try it.
I just had cheese and crackers for dinner. And no I won't be instagraming a pic. Because nobody needs to see pics of your food
— christina applegate (@1capplegate) March 26, 2014
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Why don’t more people take this stance?
Thank you instagram for giving me the opportunity to see all my friends naked
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) March 26, 2014
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Something else we don’t need to see on Instagram
(unless they’re hot, of course).
Did I start this?! http://t.co/CyPgJnAO1e pic.twitter.com/eDSviN0Xhg
— Pee-wee Herman (@peeweeherman) March 26, 2014
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Unfortunately, yes, you did.
Gwyneth and Chris Martin have split. Please respect my privacy during this terrible time.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 26, 2014
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Hope he’s coping okay.
First thing I saw in Buffalo was a billboard advertising a place where you can play tic tac toe with "a live chicken." I'm never leaving.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) March 26, 2014
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Gives new meaning to the term Buffalo wild wings, huh?
Just now on CNN: "He's going to take us on an actual virtual tour." Not a fake virtual tour, you understand….
— Harry Shearer (@theharryshearer) March 26, 2014
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CNN, you’ve done it again!
Conscious uncoupling is a program where you release trauma, reclaim power & annoy others with pretentious terms like conscious uncoupling.
— Adam Ferrara (@adamferrara) March 26, 2014
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That’s the dictionary definition.
What should I wear to the book signing on Monday? I worry; you're not considered a professional entertainer now unless you dress like a ho.
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) March 26, 2014
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She does have a point.
My mom asked me what a gloryhole is. This is payback for when I was 6 and asked my parents what the white, crusty marks on their sheets was.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) March 27, 2014
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Karma sucks.
Just found out i've been unconcsiously unreading all of gwyneth paltrow's blogs for years.
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) March 27, 2014
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I am “consciously laughing” at that reference.
Impressive. Guy at this airport bar starting his day off with a straight shot of Jack. That's, uh, that's a bold choice, there.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) March 27, 2014
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Granted, the TV is showing John Gruden doing his QB camp with Johnny Manziel, so I would go for the Jack too.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) March 27, 2014
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Ooh…I might slam a shot or two if I started my day that way too.
There should be open mic lounges at airports so flight attendants can get that shit out of their systems.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) March 27, 2014
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Seriously.
Worried about all the people at CNN who will lose their jobs when they find the plane.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 27, 2014
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I’m sure something else will get lost soon.
I guess I have retained a sense of innocence b/c I'm still so shocked when I eavesdrop on gay ppl who are boring
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 27, 2014
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Wait, is that really possible?
kim kardashian is hands down the most famous porn star of all time
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) March 27, 2014
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And it’s not even close.
"Look. They've bought all the other disgusting shit we serve, so why not make breakfast?" – Taco Bell marketing team meeting
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) March 27, 2014
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True story.
I taking 2 dogs, a couple of lions and a pair of pelicans to see the movie "Noah" tomorrow.
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) March 28, 2014
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Makes sense, I suppose.
remember the Rugrats episode that scarred everyone for life and made us think if we swallowed a watermelon seed we'd grow watermelons in us
— Ariana Grande (@ArianaGrande) March 28, 2014
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Well do you?
How many times I got to tell y'all: LeBron James > Kobe Bryant. It ain't close. Not even on the same planet.
— Jason Whitlock (@WhitlockJason) March 28, 2014
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Really?
Goodnight Malaysia Airlines I hope I see you I break your fucking plane neck suplex you put the fucking camel clutch on the plane forever
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) March 25, 2014
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Have a great weekend, everybody!