Can you smell that in the air? That sweet narcotic delirium lingering on the horizon, close enough to see, but far enough to tease? It’s four (or more) years of emancipation from normalcy, and like a fine wine, its quality increases year after year.
Unfortunately, I can’t smell it in the air. The scent left me a long time ago, but I’d probably sacrifice the last 15 years of my life to start the last four over again, just so I could utilize the wisdom I have now.
This wisdom would come most in handy during the first few weeks of freshmen year, the short period of time when making friends, finding booze, and making a closet-sized dorm livable are the most important things in the universe.
Here’s what you definitely should NOT bring to your new cheese-smelling home if you want to do this whole college thing correctly:
Cheap Toilet Paper
Ah yes, TP. The cornerstone of any college bro’s well-being. With great power comes great responsibility. In this case, the great new power you hold is the ability to eat however much you want, whenever you want. The great responsibility is accounting for all the resulting digestive pyrotechnics when push (ew) comes to shove. You’re gonna want to forgo the one-ply sandpaper and buy the thickest rolls you can find. The aforementioned great power leads into my next item…
Tons of Food
A majority of the glorious freshman experience entails walking 100 feet to the dining hall five times a day to stuff your face until you can’t feel feelings anymore. This sounds terrible, and don’t get me wrong, it certainly is. But like I said, it’s part of the EXPERIENCE. Don’t inhibit this important aspect of your newfound independence by lying in bed eating your OWN artificially processed garbage. Venture into the vast cornucopia of campus food and try it all. As our late captain Robin Williams once explained, “Carpe Diem.”
They take up space, you’ll never have time to play them, and even if you do have time, you can’t play them without pissing at least four people off on your floor. With all due respect, and I’m saying with ALL due respect, no one gives a damn. Moving on.
The Bluto Blutarsky “College” Poster
We’ve all seen it. It shows John Belushi’s frat star character wearing a blue sweatshirt with COLLEGE printed across the front. Animal House is one of the most beloved movies ever made, but it also produced an endless string of clichés that many naïve freshmen believe to be true about college—toga parties every weekend, free beer every weekend, killing horses every weekend. Put up something you’re actually passionate about instead of a movie everyone already expects you to have seen. It might instigate more interesting conversations.
Multiple Pieces of Plastic
When we come back to our hobbithole dorms wrecked beyond belief, it’s quite tempting for us to throw all of our shit on the floor before crashing. This shit may include receipts for those RBV’s you bought for that girl who definitely didn’t need any more, and it may also include three-inch-long pieces of plastic that hold your life together. The nature of dorm life is pretty laissez faire when it comes to people coming and going, so any drunk asshole looking to partake in asshole activities can walk in and snag your bank accounts in one fleeting instant. Having more than one credit/debit card with you at school is a disaster waiting to happen. You’re gonna be dirt poor anyway, so there’s no point trying to make yourself look aristocratic owning three debit cards with a cumulative balance of $43.16.
A Million School-Spirited T-Shirts
The unfortunate irony about college is that blending in inadvertently makes you stand out more. Case in point: nothing stamps “freshman” across your forehead more than sporting school colors all the time. Obviously go ape shit during homecoming week and on game days, but keep the school steeze in moderation on all other occasions. Rotate through three shirts tops. Then again, this is all coming from someone who wears socks with their Sperrys, so I don’t really know anything about anything.
If you bring THROW PILLOWS to your dorm, then there’s virtually no hope for you in any aspect of existence. If your roommate brings THROW PILLOWS, come home drunk one night and stab each of them with the biggest knife you can find while he’s gone. Afterward, pray he doesn’t do the same to you in your sleep. It’s honestly the best way to begin your relationship.
[Freshman via Shutterstock]