Yesterday some like-minded individuals met up over on AskReddit to share their most outlandish stories from their days living in the college dorms. As I scrolled through the stories I was getting sort of annoyed at how PG-13 many of them were. Then out of nowhere BAM! 300-Pound man choking himself with a belt while banking a rotisserie chicken in his dorm room.
Here’s the story from gentelman_bronco:
I lived in a coed dorm for a few years before moving into an apartment (for some reason, I thought it would be better) so I saw a bunch of stuff on a routine basis. But the one thing that I would classify as the craziest is when I went around the dorm with my friend who was an RA doing smoke alarm checks. He would knock and announce himself and wait for about a minute if nobody answered and knock again. If nobody answered he would key in. Everything was cool and nothing was exciting until we came across room 221. I will never forget what I saw. My friend swung the door open and took one step in as we were having a “deep” conversation about the “awesomeness” of John Lennon (typical college conversation) and there he was. A 300+ pound naked fat hairy guy with a belt wrapped around his neck tied to his bedframe fucking a roasted chicken (like one that you would get from walmart). He obviously didn’t hear my friend knocking and was busy choking himself out while stuffing his fuckchicken. Of all the crazy shit that I saw in college I will never forget that chicken.
People had A LOT of follow up questions to this story, so if your mind is overflowing with queries at the moment maybe these answers from user ‘Gentleman_bronco’ will help you:
First of all, yes this did happen.
I don’t know what led this man to use a roasted chicken as a sex toy…but he did.
It isn’t my dick, so I don’t if fucking a chicken would hurt. I don’t know which hole (or if any) he chose as his pleasure tunnel; we walked in and saw him fucking something small, brown and shaped like a chicken it for a split (no pun intended) second and backed out. Afterwards we used deductive reasoning to conclude it was a roasted chicken. I don’t know if he fucked the chicken’s ass or neck or cut out a place for him to fuck.
Neither of the guys in the “keep fucking the chicken” video are related to the story, though my RA friend grew up to be a journalist and writes for television news so I don’t know if he has told the story to many people we had a falling out a few years afterwards so we haven’t spoken since college (ten years ago).
No, we did not stick around to see if he came.
I think we saw each other simultaneously. I think obscenities were exchanged as we quickly backed out of the room and he scurried behind the bed.
I don’t know what it felt like.
I didn’t fuck the chicken.
I’m a bad speller.
He was on his knees on the floor with the belt around his neck and the bed.
I don’t care if you believe it or not. You are on reddit and reading anything online requires a leap of faith. I am not going to waste my time trying to convince you that it happened.
A 300-pound man obsessed with chicken? I think I know someone who fits that description… The Hound!
Who do you think was more shocked in this situation? The man with a belt around his neck engaging in some autoerotic asphyxiation? Or was it the RA and the person going dorm to door checking smoke alarms who found a 300-pound man choking himself while banging a rotisserie chicken?
I’d have to assume that the RA + friend were the most shocked, but then again this man diddling the bird probably never assumed anyone would enter his room while he was balls deep inside a chicken. I guess we’ll call this one a tie?
Other stories from the AskReddit thread didn’t match up to the insanity of the 300-pound chicken choker, but there were some pretty good ones in there. Here’s a few of the better ones:
Secret dorm parties:
In the late 70s/early 80s, Illinois State built a brand new dorm building where the rooms all had two closets, one on each side wall. But because they built the dorm on the cheap, the backs of the closets didn’t have real walls, only thin pieces of pressboard. That was all that was separated one dorm room from the next.
Once students figured this out, they cut big holes in the pressboard so that you could get to the adjoining dorm room by opening the closet door and scooting through the hole in the back wall.
They did this in room after room, until they had effectively built a huge secret passageway connecting every single dorm room on the floor.
The creation of this secret passageway led, almost immediately, to a culture of endless, enormous, authority-proof dorm parties. As soon as anybody knocked on the door or the party room, everybody could bail through the closets and be seven doors down the hall by the time the R.A. or campus security were let in. Or they would keep all the alcohol and what-not in one room, and have all the people in the next. So even when the R.A.s KNEW there was a ginormous party happening, they couldn’t do jack shit about it. It was total non-stop chaos.
Some of the bigger hooligans would commit all manner of mischief on campus, and then high-tail to this dorm building, knowing that once they were safely inside any room, there was no way the cops could ever find them.
Every summer, the school would replace the ripped out pressboard with sturdier and sturdier material. But students just got stronger saws, and kept rebuilding the secret passageways, year after year.
Eventually, only a few years after they built it, the school gave up and tore the building down.
Ethernet chord rappelling in the dead of Winter:
Our dorm was all singles and the doors directly opposed each other in the hallway and opened into the rooms. We lived on the fifth floor of our building. I was playing Super Smash in my friend’s room with the door open when we heard some floormates laughing in the hallway. They’d taken an entire roll of duct tape and constructed a duct tape rope between one of their doors and their friend’s, who at the time was studying in his room unaware of his impending predicament. The guys pounded on his door and let Dan know he was trapped in his room and they weren’t gonna let him out. Dan ran to the door and pulled as hard as he could but the duct tape held strong. He tried and tried, before giving up and declaring that he’d find a way out.
20 minutes later, Dan knocked on his door and told his friends to go to the bathroom down the hall and look out the window. We followed along with his friends and we all peered out the window towards where Dan’s window was, curious to see what he thought he was gonna do. Well, we saw his window open and a thin rope thrown out and lowered toward the courtyard, about 40 feet below. By the time we realized it was a 30 foot long ethernet cord, not a rope, Dan was already out of the window, dangling 40 feet above the courtyard. Bear in mind, this was the middle of winter, it was probably 30 degrees outside. As he tried to rappel down the wall, our RA happened to walk in the bathroom to see what all the commotion was. Needless to say, he almost had a heart attack when he saw Dan dangling from an ethernet cord. Somehow, someway, Dan managed to make it to the bottom of the cord, but was still 15 feet above the concrete. He dropped and rolled, and we all cheered as he ran to the door to come back inside. When he got back up and back into his room, he showed us how he’d done it. The crazy son of a bitch had tied his ethernet cord to his radiator that was next to his window and thought it’d be a great idea to use it as an anchor to rappel 40 feet down the building. It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, let alone just a dorm.
TL;DR: Guy on my floor rappelled 40 feet from his window into the dorm courtyard on an ethernet cord tied to a radiator in the middle of winter
And last but not least: how to get an honorary doctorate at Arizona State
One time I hit a hole-in-one on Tiger Woods PGA Tour
…and that’s how I got my honorary doctorate at Arizona State
Any of you bros have a story that can top the 300-pound chicken choker? Hit me down below in the comments with the story of the craziest thing you ever saw in the dorms!